♫"Well I might have ruined it/just by going through with it/Life's to short I thought I'd take a try/Did I say I'd want you back/Did your step mom think of that/Now I'm strug'lin to get out alive"♫

So, tonight Eva and I are going to see “Pomeroy” and “Anything but Joey” in concert at The Beaumont. I’m freaking excited. Both Pomeroy and ABJ have incredibly sexy lead singers are staples of my college drunkeness experience at K-State. For those of you who DON”T know I'm not very nice, Pomeroy is a street in Manhattan (the city the band originated before their music was more mainstream) and the original members have long since moved on to other projects. Tyson (the keyboard player for Pomeroy) plays the keyboard in a band called “90 Minutes” (a local KC 90’s cover band) and plays an acoustic set with Grasshopper to whom I am referred to as "his filthy" at BrewTop every now and then (they refer to themselves as “Double Rice.”)
After this flashback to my college drunkeness days, I’ve decided to write a post re-living some of that underage drinking magic. First and foremost, we have to get back to FRESHMEN YEAR. The first time I ever heard of either of these bands and all their glory. So there I was, a fresh faced (who am I kidding? I had just gotten my eyebrow and nose pierced a month before I went to K-state…) girl pretending to be a virgin right out of a small town experiencing a city of people under the age of 65 over 10,000 people for the first time. It was AWESOME. Living in Goodnow Hall and meeting Gabrielle and Mia-Mia Maria was where it all started!! (Remember that guy lying in our floor talking about how hungry he was and wouldn’t shut up at like 3am?? Haha) Then enter my gayest bestie Becker, Eric, Julie, Jessie, Suzanne, Nicole, Jared, Clay, Tom, Aaron, and of course, our crazy cowboy friends. We had a BLAST. I remember when we all got caught drinking in Jake’s room on Clay’s Birthday in Marlatt Hall and that RA said he was going to turn us in. It TOTALLY freaked us out (we were all underage...haha) but he NEVER did. Awesome. This was about the time we realized we didn’t have to go to bed at any particular time and we knew people who could buy us alochol so Maria, Becker, Clay and I had many a late nights sitting in the lobby at Marlatt talking about how we could stay up as late as we wanted…and how cool it was. Aw, to be young and lucky I'm not dead again!

Let’s also not forget the random house party we went to where Maria and I had on skirts that wouldn't fit a 6 year old, and that old creep-o (had to be like what…45?!) had a laptop set up that he let us pick the music while he mixed us drinks and watched us dance in the corner while he fantasized about us…yeah…wow. That’s how people end up on “Unsolved Mysteries.” We are were young and stupid then so, what can ya do? Hahah Let us also not forget the guys trying to tutor Maria and I in College Algebra, but we decided to drink Captain Morgan & Kool-aid everyday instead….EVERY SINGLE TIME we stepped foot out of rooms were supposed to study. Shocking we both survived had to re-take it, yes? hahaha The craziest part of this year was the things we thought were ok to mix…Vodka and roofies ANYTHING is pretty much a horrible idea…EXCEPT…the one concoction Nicole always had; Vanilla Vodka and Root Beer. That girl was on to something with that!

This leads me to summer… That party at Eric’s house after the “Restraint” show where we all smoked cigars with Becker “the old man” out on Eric’s patio and drank until the sun came up? Classic. Then Nicole got me a job at Papa John’s and we enter an entirely different chapter of non-sobriety college…. The “Istas’ party house” days. Brandi, Daniel, Istas, Braden, Keltner, etc…you peeps were TONS of fun. (Brandi, if you read this: we need to get together and re-live some of these good times…SOON!!!!)

So, Jessie, Jared, and I moved into the house next to the BP gas station, across from campus on Anderson. This is the same house that Becker and our guy friends slept with every girl we knew lived in starting Sophomore year. That house was our party hub and we maximized it to its fullest potential. (We all remember the beginning days when Jared threw those crazy party’s with the Papa Ho Crew, right?!) Let’s also not forget that “we” (the girls) lived a few blocks down the cross street within stumbling walking distance of this house. That was a good year!!!!

Then we all kinda moved on, got into our majors (some of us moved away…sad) and grew up. I really like my last few years of college as well. I just really miss those early days when things seemed a lot more simplistic and we spent most of our time recovering from crazy hangovers and skipping class…haha

This leads me “College: The Later Years.” I can’t forget joining the Debate Team and all the crazy Nip/Tuck parties we used to have after Tuesday night squad meetings, or SJ doing that cheer (it’s on YouTube..) every time K-State won a tournament. If Max reads this, I hope he thinks back to the first time we hung out when SJ purposely “accidentally” pushed him down in the back of Rusty’s Last Chance and he was bleeding all over the place and dr unkenly ranting, or “There’s no throwing up in the Tiburon” when we took “The General” home and had to carry him up the 1,000,000 stairs to his apartment.

(Side Note: Max…I can NEVER forgot our trip to Texas over Spring Break when we left tire tracks in that yard, ate tons of Taco Cabana at odd hours of the night, or better yet…I almost got POISIONED by crazy –we still talk about that! Hahah)


Another important staple of that year is how GG, Max, JB, and I hung out all summer because there wasn’t a lot else going on….remember that crazy party at KZ’s house with the booze-louge? That was INSANE!!!!! We had some really good times back in the day, huh guys? Then Max and I used to do the SAME exact thing every day during my last year of college… Wake up…class…hang out…Pita Pit…The Office…bars…all over again the next day for like an entire year. Is it shocking my entire college career the last year of college is all kind of a blur?


With all that being said, it’s easy to see why being a grown-up is so much LESS fun. College really is the glory days…it makes me wants to go back and do it ALL.OVER.AGAIN.


So while I’m at the Pomeroy and ABJ show…I will be thinking of all these GREAT memories and awesome friends I’ve had over the years...I however, will be trying NOT to think about how I have to work at 8am in the morning so I should probably do the adult thing and drink coffee to disguise my hangover NOT stay out until 7am…We’ll see…. Haha ~K

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."~Albert Schweitzer

Ah, ‘tis the season… for everyone to get super wasted and inappropriately tell their boss stories as the holiday company party over a bottle wine a dessert called the “Chocolate bag” and tolerate their family in close quarters for long amounts of time – a time of year when people get so lonely they literally start looking through their phone going “I’d rather spend NYE with YOU getting drunk trying to publically molest me, than watch Grey’s Anatomy alone on my couch.” " look back, reflect, and think "Wow, how many things in life I have to be thankful for"-- Oh yes people, it’s Chrismaka-kwanzakus. (That’s more PC than Merry Christmas, right?...)


Shopping isn’t even appealing to ME at this point. Sarah and I took a road trip home to visit Grandma in the hospital this weekend, and we took the Coopster-Poopster (poor kid, we seriously rhyme is his name with stuff like that…my mom has this little song she sings him when she changes his diaper called “Coopers is the Poopers…” – he’s probably going to be horribly scarred from this and forever have issues with women and and restrooms) with us…lemme tell YOU something; You think seeing Sarah pull someone out of a car and beast their ass pissy on any regular Saturday is intense, try seeing her pushing her baby in a stroller with people cutting her off left and right while she’s trying to get some douche who clearly can't keep up with the fast-paced automotive department that had 1 other person in it someone to unlock an electronics cabinet for her, while the baby is screaming –this is when Sarah is on the cusp of a severe holiday ass beating. Why Wal-Mart? Well, we're lazy we were in Bartlesville, OK (that’s where the hospital is) and my mom had a bunch of stuff to get, Sarah had a bunch of stuff to get, and I was deciding to be agreeable at that point…so Wal-Mart it was…


Most of my shopping has been done online. By that I mean, most of my shopping has consisted of me getting two or three things for myself people here and there and thinking of how much I like the stuff I’m looking at, so I get caught up in searching for stuff for me, decide I’m going to wait for it to go on sale, and nothing really gets accomplished. So, here it is 5 days until Christmas and I spent the entire weekend drinking and laying around my entire Sunday afternoon lying on my gay bestie’s couch watching “Community” and laughing at Chevy Chase’s loveable, yet socially awkward, character made to exploit his previous “goof-ass-ish-ness” portrayal of Clark Griswold on Christmas Vacation. Good lord. That is sad, isn’t it? I’m probably a bottle of Godiva Chocolate liqueur away from talking about “feelings” with people. Holidays do weird things to people…


On a positive note, I’m finished with class for the semester and if I never hear the phrase “explain how this theory would function in the context of your group…” it’d be too soon and I'd probably end up burning something to the ground. I’m glad to be working only a half day on Thursday, so I’m pretty much on the countdown to the holidays courtesy of the bottles of Root Beer and Jaeger that Max brought me (mixed together it’s called a Jim Morrison….try it!) and the four bottles of Korbel Brut Champagne that Sam’s Club put right near the front at half the price, so I couldn’t pass it up…. Yup, the years winding down and my perpetual state of drunkenness is steadily increasing, so HAPPY TIMES, PEOPLE…Happy times!


Really though, I am happy. I smile alot these days. I have a loving family, fantastic friends, and even when bad/weird/crappy/ridiculous crap happens, I still wake up each morning thankful for everything I have and all the wonderful people I know. Before this gets all “It’s a Wonderful Life,” on your asses, I will end this post by saying – the one person thing I really look forward to confessing the truth to in the new year? Guess you’ll have to read my next one. ~K

"...Always kiss me goodnight."

Sometimes, the most dangerous lines are the ones we create for ourselves. This line between what we want and what’s good for us seems to always be me never knowing the difference changing…transforming into instantly regretting things something that clouds our thought process and makes it hard to decipher what we really started out believing.


It’s these lines between “I want this when it's good” and “No way am I putting up with this so I'm out, good luck ever changing my mind” that seem to change over time – develop into it “maybe I should reconsider how great you are” and “I totally overreacted like usual.” It’s a strange sort of things, really. It leaves us uneasy and confused – grasping to this revelation that perhaps WE as imperfect humans made THE WRONG CHOICE but never want to own up to it.


I admit it. From rarely time to time, I make the wrong choice. Instead of stopping to really consider the situation at hand, I fly off the deep end and lose all capacity to care cling to these random acts of stubbornness and decide shutting off is the only thing I"m used to doing really easier than compromising – opening up, really trying to understand someone else’s point of view. (In all fairness, I feel like mine is often overlooked, but that’s just a part of communication we’ll all have to grow and learn from.)


Then again, maybe it’s these over dramatic moments of passion that develop our relationships into what they are meant to be. I can honestly say within this past weekend, I’ve had, AT LEAST, three thousand moments of revelation where I find myself saying “all the evidence would point to this ridiculous idea that I’m/was…WRONG.”


How crazy would it be if we all had a Pensieve like Dumbledore who is gay according to the internet did in Harry Potter?


“The Pensieve is an object used to review memories. It has the appearance of a shallow stone basin, into which are carved runes and strange symbols. It is filled with a silvery substance that appears to be a cloud-like liquid/gas; the collected memories of people who have siphoned their recollections into it. Memories can then be viewed from a third-person point of view...”


Dumbledore: "I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure. It becomes easier to spot patterns and links, you understand, when they are in this form."
Harry: "You mean... that stuff's your thoughts?"
Dumbledore: "Certainly."
— Albus Dumbledore to Harry Potter[src]



We’d all be super SCREWED. We’d watch ourselves lash out and act like the elected mayor of Crazytown over and over again from a much different standpoint. It if makes you feel any better, I’ll give you a personal example of something I'd never tell you if I weren't writing this blog. Literally, if you could obtain a pensieve at this physical moment and extract a memory out of my brain minus the dirty ones, this would be at least top 5; You’d see me…having my own little mental breakdown…on a day, much like any other day – on my way home from work screaming at the unfortunate person on the other ernd of the phone, except that this is only like the second time I’ve driven this way so I’m uber confused and frustrated as I take the exit to my road -- trying to remember which right hand turn I make before hitting the stop light and knowing I’ve gone too far. Hum…. Confusing. To stop this off, add frustration from having a new job, that I’m not really all that good at and trying to figure out where all of this stuff is going to go…how will I move ALL these things in less than 3 weeks? Stressed. Out. I perhaps, though I can’t be 100% certain, reacted…terribly. To make a long story short…I have this imagine BURNED into my brain of pasta… penne noodles with red sauce to be exact – sitting on my stove; warm – waiting for me… and I swear I will never forget that moment. LINES. Dangerous lines we cross we can’t find our way back from.


Another one would be a conversation that existed that created 8 LONG months of silence that almost killed me…or that awful car ride where everything that was said came out completely more offensive that it was ever imagined and I could literally feel that relationship slipping away with each moment that passed…I could go on with these forever… these are the moments that destroy relationships. We all know we can’t change the past…but we can certainly LEARN from it, right?We should all own a Pensieve…so we can watch ourselves – our reactions, and assess the situation with less emotion and A LOT more understanding.


Does anyone really ever sit back and think why do I read this crazy bitch's blog? “What if this is the last time I do THIS with this person?” (This has a point – really, it does!) I’ve decided something. I look terrible in yellow There’s this idea, that if we lived each day like it was our last, we’d live a life really worth living….so, if we react in each moment like it’s our LAST interaction, would we take careful consideration to be better people? I’d like to think so. New plan: React with your heart you know, not the CRAZY part, the rest will follow. ~K

"Well, I'd love to stay and chat Olivia, but you're a total BITCH..."

Ugh. Monday. I hate when people say “someone has a case of the Mondays.” Yeah, idiot. We’ll all seen Office Space… The only thing that could be equally as bad is when the Coffee House Radio Station (the XM station that plays all acoustic remakes of songs, for those of you who haven’t heard me rant continually even though none of you care at ALL about this since my 2nd day of being employed by a Dr.) plays that “Manic Monday” song, slowed down to like ¼ the speed it should be sang by the most manic depressive sounding hipster who will never sell a CD and probably still smokes weed in his parents basement at age 50 for amusement, EVER.


For those of you who know me pretty well on the surface, because apparently I'm told it doesn't get much deeper than that, haha, it was a Redbull Monday – which means what? You guessed it, I was out entirely too late last night having a great time…(I blame the person I rode with that threatened to leave me there…haha) but that’s oddly routine for me to stay out too late on Sunday. The tragedy here, is that I was doing SOOO well the last month about making sure I left by like 11-11:30pm, but these past 2 Sundays, I’ve barely managed to be asleep by 3:30am. Weird phase of the moon? Probably or I'm totally not giving you all the details…Another odd development, I willingly watched sports and let the guys around me discuss it and get all grunty and excited about it without complaining TOO much and by that, I mean I focused on my own reflection in the mirror across from me so I didn't care either way. I’m getting soft. That’s all there is to it.


The best part of this weekend was ………….Daylight Savings time (you so thought I was gonna say something else! We're fighting) Getting to hangout at O’Dowd’s with peeps an hour later was kind of awesome. I was surrounded by GREAT company-- I was the perfect level of booze-infused Lou, that tequila whooped up on me Sunday morning, and can honestly say, it was a great night.


Here’s the epiphany part. (I’m sure you’re on the edge of your chair now and by that I mean wondering why you are even reading this…) I’m………actually genuinely happy with the direction things in my life are headed right now. I’ve met some awesome people, I have a great group of regular friends as well, and I love the things I’ve been doing. Even class is starting to bother me less. I’d prefer to work less and hangout all day in a hot tub somewhere, sipping on an ice cold glass of Moscato and not get up til noon, but that would make me “the materialistic bitch I really am” and “unmotivated to stop being so henious” so I’m gonna stick it out for another…40 years or so, I guess. Hah.

The one thing I would change? I would see the people I adore and rarely get to spend time with, A LOT more…(Natalie, Nikki, GG, Max Janey, Whitney, Brandi, etc…) and probably enjoy more of those small moments where you sit back and think “God, these/this person is awesome. I should probably tell them/her/him that more.”


That’s probably about as insightful as I get on a Monday. While composing such mindless rants of a bitter woman splendid dialogue for you people who don't have shit else to do with your afternoons avid fans (all in reality, just me 1.5 of you…) my gay called – his question, for my birthday do I want one really expensive bottle of champagne or a bunch of really cheap ones? Anyone who knows me (and how materialistic I can be notice I keep pointing that out?…) I OBVIOUSLY chose – a bunch of small cheap ones….that way I can have a wine party, have all my biatches over, and drink until we can’t feel feelings. That’s right, I’m pretty much Mother Teresa reincarnated. Love me. ~K

"That's why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets..."

So, I promised a blog about “eventually warming up to dating”(somehow I got a comment on the last blog claiming I’m a “dick tease”)—so, here goes.



So it occurred to me as I was talking to Mama Corene on the phone (Side Note: for any of you who KNOW my mother, you can imagine me practically talking to MYSELF…same gestures and tone of voice – minus the bitchiness) that everyone thinks I’m crazy lonely. She asked how things were going—the staple question she starts every conversation out with. After our normal “Did you pay your bills with my money?…” conversation we had our “Did you pay your bills…out of YOUR OWN checking account and want me to put money in it now?” conversation (and the answer is yes – I paid my own bills for once – pat on the back for me!) followed by a “so are you dating anyone but please don't tell me about getting naked with them?” conversation. This last one is rare. Usually she likes to hear stories about my dating disasters (is that weird considering I never go on dates she’s my mother?), but this time she wanted to have that “I know you’re busy…but you should really go out and give someone who doesn't work in an Irish pub a chance” type conversation.


Whoa there, lady. This is where you’re losing me. My family continually tells me how super bitchy “complex” I am and how most dudes don’t understand me, hence why I’m obviously single. I think my mother lovingly put it as “You know, Kara…not EVERYONE gets married but really we're saying this to make you feel better.” Isn’t that like an indirect way of telling someone they are an un-dateable troll who will die alone with lots of cats and find themselves running around the house singing the "Meow Mix" song everytime someone uses the microwave? Yeah, that’s what I thought too. Welllllll, anyways…so here we are discussing dating and she asks me about my inability to attract romantic prospects.


(Here’s where I think it gets alot less interesting…)


I answer “I have…some crazy ones.” She doesn’t buy this. She knows me better than this. She says “so, there are GUYS interested in you, but you’re only interested in ONE of them, right?” Damn. Ok…fine. I give these guys nicknames. I call them by a letter (so she can't form a bias opinion in case I decide I really like this guy and don't want her to know the crazy stuff from the beginning)  and describe my interaction with all them. “This guy is a friend of _____, he’s cool, but I can’t see us ever getting naked together hanging out alone….ever.” “This guy is AWESOME, but I’m not really into him as more than friends and don't want to see him naked.” “This guy and I have NOTHING in common because he strikes me as the type who plays Dungeons & Dragons on Friday night.” “This guy is the perfect guy…for someone else.” “This guy I like.” “This guy is coming on too strong…” You get the point**…


**Before you think I’m a crazy whore but I'm pretty sure to be a whore you have to actually HAVE sex, I’ve only been on a date with ONE of these guys. As in date, as in NOT touching middles….Just thought I’d clarify…Also, I’m single. I’m allowed to be picky and take my time deciding who I like. If a guy isn’t willing to put in the effort to make me like him/keep me interested than why should I go to extraordinary lengths to do the same? Exactly.

So, back to the point. When did dating become this complicated? Why isn’t it about a guy, who is interested in a girl – so he asks her out. She either says yes or no and they go on about it. Sometimes they go on dates – sometimes he sends her flowers because he totally messed up and he knows it – sometimes she surprises him with thoughtful little gifts or sometimes it’s random texts during the middle of the day to let him know “Hey, I just wanted to say I'm thinking about you…” or sometimes they banter back and forth about who really spilled the beer almost like they’re really good friends – who just happen to like each other. It’s supposed to be like a really awesome friendship (that, most likely, involves touching middles at some point), right? So when did it become all this other crap that makes it completely unappealing?


Bottom line; if I’m doing to do this “dating” thing, I’m going to do it on my terms because I'm a total control freak in relationships. You want to date me? Fine. Be normal but don't be typical. Don’t go all psycho hosebeast on me for things I warn you about (i.e. I hopefully don't make boys cry  am not very emotional-- I show emotion that usually means I'm mad, but in my own way …), don’t threaten not to talk to me if I don’t react the way you want me to, and for SURE, don’t think dating/touching/stalking my friends is a good idea. These things seem obvious to everyone who  isn't a moron, right?.... hah

I am open to the idea of dating….the right person. So whoever this person is, he should continue to be EXACTLY the person he is when I decide/decided I like/liked him. He should be able to make me laugh …and joke around with me…and be really sweet to me when I’m having a bad day… and send me texts to tell me he was thinking about me and definitely wants to see me naked. These small things are the difference between me actively wanting to date you, and doing the fade out and never speaking to you again losing interest really quick.


Conclusion: I’m complex. I really am. I’m so complex, I’m almost too simple. It’s like a trick question…do I require fancy things or grand gestures? No. I just like a little bit laughter with a little bit of quirkiness thrown in there somewhere. ~K

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings..."

Everyone grumps that I don’t blog enough – well fine, biatches!! – read this if you’re bored and need stalkerish updates on who what I’ve been doing…I would have updated sooner but I didn't give a shit this is what my life is like;


Monday: Tiiiiirrrred… I got like 2 hours of sleep because Jenni G has huge boobs had an amazing party on Sunday night which I planned on staying at until MAYBE midnight and stayed til 3…ROUGH Monday morning. Let’s also note that I had to drive home reeking of booze b/c SOMEONE (Not important who – YES, hot comedian, I’m looking @ you…) decided to drench my entire outfit in booze before I drove home so I could risk going to jail on a night I actually DIDN”T drink. Lovely… so after work I was drug by my gay (who I hadn’t seen in like 2 weeks) to dinner and a movie (TERRIBLE movie, btw…Don’t see “Hereafter.” Super freakin’ weird and you know I bitched the whole time. Not worth the $5 we paid to see it.)


Tuesday: Was SUPPOSED to go to Tango-- but I had to pretend to do my homework for class tonight that I had to get done and lots of reading…that combined with picking up clothes off the floor of my apartment for 2 hours and getting NO laundry started pretty much took up my entire evening. I also watched Grey’s Anatomy and cried a little on my couch by myself like a wierdo over a fictional show, but that’s pretty standard for a girl, right? I was asleep by 12:30am. It was glorious.


I woke up this morning remembering one very important fact; everyone looks hotter with the lights off One more day of getting up early and I’m DONE for the week. Love it. So class tonight, work tomorrow and you who-ores can be jealous because I’m done being sober for the week.


I digress….Moving on…


Next subject that comes to mind; sex Fall. (This is not leading into some crazy story about my lack of balance, I’m referring to the season…) What happened to Summer? I think the problem is Eva and I failed to discover it was Summer until August when Summer was already on the decline. Fail. I miss my Victoria’s Secret teeny-bikini I bought this year and the 3 bottles of spray tanning oil I was SURE I needed b/c I was going through so much for a while there… *sigh* I guess this will all be put away until next year, unless I keep eating candy and get too fat to be seen in my swimsuit at that point.


Side Note: Does anyone else have trouble staying away from hot naked people all things pumpkin? I don’t care what it is – pumpkin pie/beer/cookies/coffee – I love it all. Dang. Maybe I should go to the gym…between work/night class/dance/babysitting/homework & keeping up with my apartment. Nope- someone will love me fat.Yup – I’ll just cut out sleeping but not really…


It’s almost Christmas. (Thanksgiving barely registers as a holiday to me – I’m not a huge turkey fan) Heck yes. I love Christmas time. Why? Something about my birthday in the month of December brings joy to my nether regions life. Disclaimer: This is not a rant about religion and the birth of sweet baby Jesus – it’s a lot more shallow than that. Shopping. I love Christmas shopping. None for you1 for you – 2 for me. That’s the best shopping plan, EVER.


I noticed something about Christmas shopping. I was at Target the other day looking at bottles of wine baby toys (Side Note: I’m not a creeper except to hot dudes, I have a 9 month old nephew so it’s completely legitimate I was hanging out in the kids aisle) and I noticed; toys are WAY complicated compared to what they were when we were little. Anyone else seen that Moon-Walkin’ Mickey Mouse doll that still has the gay Disney laugh? Totally creepy, but seriously high tech. It’s like $80 and I’m so intrigued by this thing, I’m probably going to by it for Coop and then make it him cry when I take it away from him because it’s actually really cool. (Again, I don’t steal toys from children often.)
The one thing I can live without; screaming children cold weather and bad drivers. It’d be nice if I had one of those “fluffer type, high paying jobs work from home jobs.” Which means wake up, roll off of him log on and then opt for a quickie go back to sleep til it’s a decent hour for working…like NOON…


On a lighter note; Winter is perfect dating weather…it’s equally perfect weather for fire places and carriage rides on the plaza. YUP. I’m super sappy romantic when I want to be. I’ve been so NOT into the idea of dating for so long, but – I’m warming up to it. Why the change? Well I could tell you but making you wait is ALOT more fun…that’s probably another blog entry, right? =) ~K

~**Kara's Bucket List::: 1-50**~

1. Dance the Argentine Tango physically in Buenos Aires, Argentina – while there, purchasing authentic Comme Il Faut tango shoes.


2. Admit to people the things I’m thinking/feeling my pride won’t let me say…like “I miss you,” “I’m sorry,” and “This honestly has nothing to do with you; this is my own insecurity…” -- not caring about the outcome, just being content with the fact that they know.

3. Complete a Masters of Science degree.

4. Admit when I’m wrong instead of fighting to prove a point.

5. Fall in love in a really no-strings-attached, unconditional kind of way that makes my heart hurt.

6. Rely less on my friends to entertain me so I have to take chances on love.

7. Allow myself to be less OCD and let it go when people move stuff around in my apartment.

8. Complete a home improvement project that is functional, yet aesthetically pleasing – without the help of another person.

9. Write a song that touches someone’s heart.

10. Show my affectionate side more.

11. Learn to let things go (even when I really don’t want to…)

12. Go on a road trip, headed nowhere, just to create memories along the way.

13. Live life as though it’s about the journey, not the destination.

14. Share a kiss so passionate it takes my breath away.

15. In a relationship -- spend an entire day in bed, getting to know each other without having any plans or caring as the entire day slips away.

16. Treat each memory as a blessing. Treat each fight as a lesson. Above all, treat others like at any moment, I could lose them.

17. Go one day without using a cell phone, because I want to, not because I lost/broke it.

18. Forgive others for hurting me – forgive myself for hurting others, making an active effort not to in the future.

19. Be the exception.

20. Write actual letters to my family that have to be mailed and hand delivered the old fashioned way.

21. Keep a journal of memories, good and bad, to document all the important milestones in my life.

22. Realize there’s a reason we all have a conscience – because we did/said something WRONG.

23. Tell/show people how much they mean to me.

24. Eat food that sounds/looks totally gross – just to say I’ve tried it.

25. Cry when I really want to.

26. Avoid crazy/scary car crashes.

27. Treat others like I want to be treated.

28. Practice patience – daily.

29. Try to maintain a healthy diet, but still order Tiramisu once in a while.

30. Laugh at one thing, at least, everyday.

31. Leave for work early enough in the mornings where I can relax and not worry about traffic, because I have plenty of time.

32. Appreciate small gestures like people holding doors, letting me squeeze in long traffic lines, and offering to buy to me a drink.

33. Let people with less items cut in front of me at the grocery stores – especially when I have no where to be.

34. Sing, loudly, in the car after a really long/bad day.

35. Stay in contact with old friends, even if it means driving long distances to re-connect with them.

36. Learn how to get around without a GPS.

37. Remind my mom how much I love her and I’m glad I turned out like her, every holiday that you are supposed to send a card.

38. Remember to send cards on appropriate holidays/birthday/anniversaries.

39. Never underestimate the healing power of a smile.

40. Feel empowered being alone, but open to the idea of someone too good to pass up.

41. Drink really dirty martinis with my girls, even though it’s 70% olive juice, just because it makes us feel better (well that night, at least. Haha)

42. Agree with my friends when they brag about how awesome their children are – even if they are wretched.

43. Always feel obligated to sing songs by bands like “Salt-N-Peppa” and “Boyz II Men” when they come on the radio.

44. Always keep my toenails painted.

45. Go to the movies, and watch an entire movie ALONE.

46. Be happy for my friends when they are excited about their relationships, even if I’m not in one.

47. Always offer the last bit of anything I’m sharing with a friend, to them.

48. Appreciate the talents of my friends, especially if it’s something I’m not good at.

49. Wear lingerie to bed, when I’m sleeping alone, just to feel good.

50. Love. Life. No matter what.

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?..."

Roadtrippin’- so the Eva-nator and I packed up our bags and headed down to BFE the ‘ol historic town of Coffeyville, KS (you know you’re glad it wasn't you jealous.) We took a tour of “Death Alley” and the original Condon Condom Bank woulda been been a much cooler name Bank where the Dalton gang was gunned down by the townspeople of Coffeyville on October 5th, 1892. Why is this relevant? Well, it’s not…but it was passing the time FUN. Check out the pics she took on my facebook – they are definitely a good time.


We got up on Sunday morn’ and headed down to even further into BFE Afton, OK to visit my step bro, his wife, their two kids (nothing cuter than hearing “Guess what, Aunt Kara?!”), and the rest of my family (there was a lot of alcohol involved, do not ask me who shit on, or around, the coats all was present…) We sat on the dock all day, drank cold beer, and definitely had a great time. Later that evening, Sara took us to a local bar (yeah, you can still smoke in bars in Oklahoma, so all of you who make fun of that state need to re-evaluate your life plan…) and we warded off creepers the entire time danced the night away.

Heading back yesterday evening, I decided I was going to update my blog today. What would I write? I had no idea. So, I’ve decided I will write about the topic of conversation that my family insists to nag me about every time i'm home came up while sitting around the dinner table with my parents.

Parents: “How’s your dating life going and please leave out the sex part?”

Me: “You always ask this…”

Parents: “So, you’re saying you aren’t dating because you're kind of a bitch?”

Me: “No?....I am busy every night. Mondays- I have Tango, Tuesdays- I play trivia, Wednesdays – “I normally hang out with Becker/Eva/some combo of friends or watch Soca Duo, Thursdays – Whoever I didn’t hang out with the night before, I normally do and then go watch Hopper play, Fridays (if I’m not out of town) – Normally stalk the bar The Disappointments are playing at with Eva, Saturday – O’Dowd’s with the crew til we are so incoherent we realize the bar is closed, Sunday – Drunk Club/Club Ballroom. I’m pretty busy”…

Parents: “But…we’re talking about dating and we're scared you're gonna end up an old  hag and totally alone…”


Here’s what I’ve decided. Until I’m steadily dating someone and am, somewhat chosing marriage over being a cat lady, headed in a marriage direction-- my parents are going to think I’m still but bitch and terribly lonely. I have a gay, (Oh, Becker...you are a mess) the greatest group of friends, write my music/play my instruments, read multiple books per week, and have developed a new love for dance classes –I’m good. Somehow…this is not what the parentals want to hear (although, their whole "Guys may come and go, but a Becker is forever" saying is pretty cute!)

For all of you who didn't take plan B have found love, children, and mood enhancers patience…well, good for you. Me? I’m 25 and still like the Disney Channel. As much as I pretend to want a husband, children, and stability – I’m much more willing to wait for it all to fall into place. Rushing is nowhere on my list of priorities right now.

What is on my list of priorities?Shopping Dates. I’ve decided random dates are fun. Getting to know people while you sip cocktails or go mini-golfing – who cares, dates are fun. Don’t confuse this with relationships – I mentioned nowhere that I’m rushing into DATING, I just said, I miss going on dates. Random side note; if I were going on dates with someone totally awesome who was on the same train of thought as me, multiple dates/dating are not being ruled out here…

Brings me to my next point – what type of guy am I looking for? Good question. A male version of me Smart – insanely smart (nerdy is hot, and totally my favorite always a plus), dry sense of humor, down-to-earth, laid back, willing to hang out with my group of friends for random weekend shenanigans, loves music, down for a good debate but willing to lose haha, likes cartoons, knows when to be serious, knows when NOT to be serious, willing to cook for me, equally as willing to try my cooking, passive (b/c I’m totally not at all...haha), understands my non-slutty physical boundaries (that’s a tough one so I feel like most people have to ask for a “point of clarification” i.e. I'm not hoping into bed with you), and crazy fun. Not crazy. Crazy is NOT good (nor is it a package deal, crazy + anything just = crazy.)

I kind of feel like I just signed up for e-harmony on my own blog. That’s scary, isn’t it?... You get my point. After an awesome summer full of life changing experiences, I’m ready to try something new. ~K

“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.” -Issac Newton

Ugh…a Science Life Lessons. Written in the key of geek.  Newton’s Third Law of Motion stats that;

“The mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies are equal, opposite and collinear. This means that whenever a first body exerts a force F on a second body, the second body exerts a force −F on the first body. F and −F are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction. This law is sometimes referred to as the action-reaction law, with F called the "action" and −F the "reaction".”

More simply put, Newton was saying for every action, there is an equal,yet opposite, reaction. Example? I alwaysYou drink too much beer/liquor (the action) you will get carried out of the bar super hammered (the reaction.) It could lead to a chain of events whereas you end up in jail (BIGGER reaction.) Side Note: Probably a good idea not to get caught so not to go to jail…

What’s the point in this? Nothing we do in life is without consequence. Life is literally a sequence of action/reaction events. Everything we say, do, even our facial expressions--affects everything about the outcome of our day. Pretty much, we have actions that, in turn, determine where our lives are headed. In the aforementioned scenario, we could drink less shots and double up on the beers, therefore stopping us from getting drunk – which stops the entire chain of bad events that follows. Here’s the problem. Do we do things, knowing they are bad for us? Do we really ever think about the consequences of our actions?

It would seem as though it’s human nature to do things without thinking them through. As a relationship ends, do we stop and think “Had I just done this ONE thing different... or” I might regret this later?” No. Probably not. There in lies the problem. I feel like it is innate in us to just go with the moment without really thinking of the consequences. I find myself pondering this quite often. My train of thoughts seems to always start with "Why aren't we naked?" “Why did he/she do/say this?! Now I’m just angry/happy/upset/sexually frustrated/indifferent about them/the situation.” End of story. Decision made. Fate sealed for whatever situation I’m in. (Horrible, but trueReaction.)

I feel like when it comes to life in a more general sense, my life is more closely related to some cheesey romantic comedy with no real purpose and nothing gets resolved Newton’s First Law of Motion:

 “An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.”

This means that there is a natural tendency of objects to keep on doing what they're doing. All objects resist changes in their state of motion. In the absence of an unbalanced force, an object in motion will maintain this state of motion. Confused on what I mean? I’m literally saying "Sorry for partyin" “I will likely resist changes to what I want want/think/feel/believe if you are pushing me to do it.” More often than not, I feel like people learn this the hard way. Character flaw? Per haps – or, just maybe, quite possibly….I am what I am. (I’m pretty sure Dr. Suess said something like this - What person can disagree with this logic?)

For everyone else who reads this and thinks, god, Kara - shut up how is any of this relevant? Well, it is. Force is what drives life. It’s the biggest deciding factor on whether we decide to end a relationship, quit our job on a whim, or act like a total psycho for no reason. (Action) Force is an enabler. It’s created out of passion. No matter what the action, there is the inevitable reaction. For those of us who flow through life, trying to maintain our constant state of being, well…there’s force there too. An absolute love for our life – just the way it is. ~K

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places" – Ernest Hemingway

Obstacles. There are many in life. Whether these obstacles are physical or emotional, we all create barriers that keep us from actively moving forward. Some people like to refer to this, in the non literal sense, as “a wall”…built so strategically, we use it as an emotional tool to keep others out. Not impossible to tear down, just….difficult. We all build walls for reasons. Why? Our hearts were broken? We broke someone else’s heart and don't feel bad at all all that’s left is guilt? We are holding on to some dark secret we are careful who we pick and choose to share it with? Whatever your reason may be, we all have some form of crazy emotional baggage.


More specifically, we’re all broken. Something, (usually quite often, someone) or some tragedy, of sorts has broken our spirit – caused us to face the world differently, with a little more cynicism and hostility than we’d like. Quite possibly, I’m one of the best examples of this; I’ve buried countless people that I’m close to, shut my emotions off to the point where my personal relationships are destroyed, and more often than not, been unwilling to be understanding in situations that require me to see some else’s perspective. I’m definitely a b*tch stubborn – quite possibly, to a fault.

What does all this mean? We should take these opportunities to better ourselves from the things that seek to destroy us. Without getting all “cunty culty-religious-type” on you, what I mean by that is that each day holds a new opportunity for us to fix what something/someone has broken. Referencing a quote made in a previous post, you have to see the world as worth taking risks. Are the things you want out of life, worth the risks you are taking? How about when it comes to love? Do I -- the biggest advocate of NO FEELINGS ever -- believe above all things, that love is worth the risk? SometimesAbsolutely. Risk anything and everything for love, because if you don’t, it won’t survive. We’ll all seen enough romantic comedies to realize that if Jimmy Fallon doesn’t risk giving up baseball for Drew Barrymore, she’s gonna talk out of the side of her mouth because it annoys me make gross, smiley babies with the sloshed dude hanging out at her apartment after the big breakup scene (Drew Barrymore, you are a slutty beast…)

What about everything else in life? There are always risks involved. Whether you move away from a city, not able to face the bad memories you’ve created there, or eventually move back once you figure out there is life beyond tragedy -- it’s all about how you assess the risk. Personal example: Had I stayed in Lawrence? I would be living day to day, working the same job or becoming a stripper, and never really bettering myself as far as a career advancement opportunity – but, would it be worth it? I’d get to see Sarah (my sister) and Cooper (my precious nephew) more, but would that REALLY be what’s best for me? Can I let my own personal tragedies make me scared to face the world without them close to me? The answer: Tear down those walls. Become a stronger person -- A person who can be out on their own, who makes a life for themselves, makes great friends, and remembers how even in our worst moments, we can find strength in the last place we least thought possible – ourselves. Side Note: Do not discredit your close friends/family, these people are always needed in times of weakness. If you can think of 5 people that would be there if tragedy struck your life – then count yourself lucky.

The strength I refer to is not just physical strength to get your emotional wreck of a former person butt out of bed – but mostly, emotional strength. It’s like a domino effect. I have always been the type of girl who relied on guys to change light bulbs, help me carry groceries up to my apartment, pressure me to try new things (branch out of my little “Kara” box Side Note: I did not mean that in the diry way),etc., -- However, for the past few months, I’ve really been into doing these kinds of things MYSELF. I even bought a little step stool so I can reach stuff on the high shelves. Small in the grand scheme of things, but empowering nonetheless.

Bottom line: Relationships (of all kinds) at some point, become a relation-sh*t aren’t always good. They break our spirits. They wear us down. They make us feel like tomorrow is going to be worse than today. The only thing we can really do is create barriers. Things that help us block out all those bad memories. Then we heal. We find things that make us want to tear down the walls. We find people worth our time that are willing to overcome each obstacle we’ve created for them. The thing about those people? Worth the risk. You could be missing out on more than you ever thought possible. These are those small defining moments when you realize obstacles are created, but the more we do to overcome them, the more we can say we’ve truly lived. ~K

"There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy... Her heart." - Milk Money

Love. Something most people really wish didn't exist only want to fess up to once a year, (February 14th, people…come on!) but few really want to actively maintain. What brings me to the subject so abruptly on a random Tuesday afternoon? It’s a few things, really. As I get older, I get more cynical I see all my friends settling down (getting married) and shatting out little ones (or, having babies) and I have to wonder, in some weird way, does it bother them that they have to get fat for another person is the meaning of life REALLY loving another person or are we setting ourselves up for disappointment? (I’m, for sure, not as shallow deep as I just made myself appear – haha)

I think we all want to truly believe someone loves us we do/have love/ loved another person. Myself – Personally? I feel like there are varying degrees of love. I loved my stuffed animals when I was little, but they got raggedy and I got barbies. Then, when I finally moved on to boys, I found them boring when all they wanted to do was play Power Rangers at lunch (that, and if I wasn’t the pink one – I wasn’t playing!) Fast forward a bit, and you find me in high school. I had serious boyfriends, but no matter how close I got to them, I was a total bitch to them and some lack of interest lingered at the back of my mind, eventually leading to the demise of those relationships.


Fast forward a little more. College. Here’s where it gets tricky. I meet my first real boyfriend that I can have stay over in my dorm room and touch without adult supervision and I feel like we went too far to the other side. I think we literally got sick at the sight of each other, because we got so used to spending every waking moment together. Pause. Isn’t that how it goes though? At the beginning of a relationship, all we want to do is be around another person and before long we’re like “Omg, the sight of you makes me wanna vomit stab you in the eye with a dull knife.” Balance. Finding a balance is hard to do. Where is the point between stabbing someone’s eye out or only seeing them once every few weeks for dinner, that we will truly feel like we’ve found a good balance?

“Am i the only person here who loves to watch a couple together that hates each others guts? That has to be the most entertaining thing when you see two people that just hate each other ..together, and look we've all been there everybody’s been in that situation where you will stay with somebody you don’t even like them. Two weeks in and already you like "pshh", no way. I cant stand this person, I'll hang around for 5 or 6 years then we can end this thing violently.”

Not a Dane Cook fan? It’s cool. He probably wouldn’t be a fan of you either. Moreover, how do we create a balance when we’re taught from childhood that we have a certain age we can reach before the opposite sex won't play doctor with us anymore finds us repulsive and we’re going to end up alone? (Totally thinking about smelly Cat-pee carpet right now…you know you were too…) I think some people are so hell bent on getting married before “x” age, that they forget what REALLY being in love with someone means. So they jump into something completely blinded by fear. Fear of what? Cankles? Saddlebags? The unknown? Who really knows. Fear of facing each day alone. Mostly, it seems like a fear of being trapped with your own thoughts --it can really provoke people to make rash decisions when it comes to love.

Then there’s the other people. (Let’s call this person, I don’t know, ME…) Those who have this idea (and have had since days of playing with said barbies) of what the ultimate dream wedding looks like, but never really being a huge hurry to make it happen. I feel like this is a better balance. It’s the idea I haven’t tried to marry every guy that has came along, but that I’m still OPEN to the idea of love.

If you aren’t calling me a liar falling off your chair from shock at that phrase, I have no idea what would get you at this point… I will say this. I cry during adore sappy music/movies/situations. What I do NOT adore is feeling like some people are so ready to “be in love” they never really ARE. I don’t want the person who I settle for --I want the person I pick to be with, because I am hopefully not knocked up  with no choice so crazy in love with them I can’t imagine a world in which I couldn’t say that to them, in some form, every day of my life.

On that note, I don’t feel like you can chloroform people while they're sleeping into loving you either. Reciprocity is key. If someone doesn’t love you back, why would you want to spend a lifetime with them.?How can you build something on nothing? I will say this – I know for sure you can’t stand on an empty box and put sweaters on the top shelf of your closest, because the box will eventually collapse and you’ll…well you’ll probably feel like a jackass because you admitted it in a public forum – but mostly, you’ll figure out – nothing comes from nothing. (Am I channeling ‘’ The Sound of Music” right now or does it just feel creepily similar?...)

Perhaps the best advice in this situation is just to really focus on we want from every relationship we enter into. Are we looking for someone just to bad touch RIGHT NOW-- or are we really hoping to find that person we find ourselves hiding from in the laundry room, because we just need 10 minutes away from them? In all seriousness – I feel like relationships are built from people truly knowing what they want out of life. Even if we don’t know what that looks like 10 years from now, keeping an open mind and not settling for less than we deserve. Finding the person we want to talk to at the end of a really long day-- and the only thing that comes to mind is "Thank god, you're hot I have you." Above all, never giving up on “love.” ~K

"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads..."

“…The ancient Greeks had two words for time, chronos and kairos. While the former refers to chronological or sequential time, the latter signifies a time in between, a moment of undetermined period of time in which something special happens. What the special something is depends on who is using the word. While chronos is quantitative, kairos has a qualitative nature. In this case used as rare or significant fact or event….”


Anyone who studied speech because you're a dick, and thought it was easy in college is aware of this phenomenon. Those of you who didn’t (and that’s probably like 99.9% of you) are probably like, wtf does this have to do with anything? Well, I will tell you. This weekend was filled with MANY moments of kairos time, which was a nice change for my usually very “chronos” type life.


Most recent explanation of this – I was on my way to work this morning (driving down Gregory on the twisty, windy road that eventually leads you through “ohmigod, lock all your doors” to “oh, business district…”) when I suddenly had this intense feeling like I need to stop drinking on Sundays was missing something. I look over to my right and make a mental list of everything sitting there. Purse? Check. Wallet? Check. Phone? OHMIGOD, Where is my….oh. Wait. In my lap. Got it. Did I pay my bills? Kidding. I definitely wouldn’t panic that much over forgotten bills. Sad, but true. (haha) Tapping my fingers on the steering wheel, I can feel my heartbeat steadily increasing. I suddenly feel rushed, irritable, and uneasy. I look up into the review mirror to make sure I haven’t like totally forgotten to put makeup on or something (not trying to scare people) and THEN….right then -- the sun came beaming down through the trees – creating this kind of peaceful, angelic light you couldn’t re-create if you tried. It was breathtaking. I drive this same road every day and no matter how sunny it is, I’ve never seen anything like this. It was directly between the trees shinning like it was some kind of sign from God. In that moment, I felt my world just PAUSE, and I totally forgot what the hell my point was about everything else. I continued merrily on my way to work, every couple of minutes glancing back in the rearview mirror to make sure I didn’t make this up and that it was still there. It was. This was a definite moment of Kairos time.


A more relatable example of this was Friday night. We had tickets to the Royals Game, box seats, Diamond Club access, the whole bit. Awesome. Til we get there….and it’s POURING rain. This isn’t just RAIN. This is a torrential downpour that lasts for like 3 straight hours. I am not wearing underware a white tank stop with a sheer white tee over it. PERRRRRRFECT. The two gentleman that were accompanying me did their best to keep me from getting wet, but our window of opportunity to run was definitely ruined by an even bigger/wetter/colder burst of rain. Of course. It’s one of those moments where you have 2 options: (Side note: For those of you who KNOW me, getting my hair/make-up destroyed is on my list of least favorite things) #1 Just go with it and realize I always you can bitch about not looking perfect or #2 you can just let it go and enjoy yourself. This was, was for sure a #2 moment. It was just…so funny. The rest of the night was equally as fun. I was definitely out of my element at times, but I couldn’t have been happier with the way the night turned out!!


And then, Saturday night; I was at this bar in Westport with a few of my closest friends (it was Miss Jaimie’s bday!) and we headed to watch Hopper play this original acoustic show (his first in 2 years!). I’d had kind of a stressful day. I had driven to Lawrence at 7am to watch the Coopster, who, is lucky i don't shake babies refused to take any nap longer than 30 minutes --while I was running out of steam on 1.5 hours of sleep. He was fussy (he’s teething) and I was SO. TIRED. I love my nephew more than liquor anything in this world, but he was a handful on Saturday. I had no idea how I was going to make it back to Eva’s house in time to leave by 7p, when I was leaving Lawrence at 5:45pm (road construction between there and here is AWFUL.) Let’s not also forget to mention that some people forget the world does not revolve around them, and no matter how many times you reiterate you have plans, it just doesn’t process. I had already turned down plans with 2 other AMAZING groups of friends for this evening and THAT was just adding fire to my fury. Frustration had, for sure, set in.


So we finally get there and the show is just INCREDIBLE. It started off a little shaky with an interesting miscommunication between us wanting food and our waitress…getting it…but, that was small in the course of events that followed. I remember sitting on the floor, listening to this AMAZING band (featuring Hopper’s good friend Kristy) and thinking how relaxed and at ease I was.


I was sitting in the floor (in a bar – gross right?) surrounded by people I adore and I remember closing my eyes and thinking how some moments can just feel so perfect. The leader singer has one of those raspy voices that made me develop the biggest girl crush just draws you in, and the rest of the band is so talented you can’t HELP but feel stopped in that moment and mesmerized by them. THEN, the band finishes and my moment of bliss turns into pure FUN. This DJ starts playing all this crazy techno and Jaimie, Eva, Terry, and the completely dorky part of myself that is convinced I'm a good booty dancer let loose and cut a rug (or 10) and had a blast. Not to mention there was this interesting character (male or so we were lead to believe) dressed in what appeared to be the smallest kilt ever humanly made. We’re pretty sure it was a “Catholic School Girl” uniform, but we let that one go…it was just hilarious! After that, we went to the O’Deeze and proceeded to celebrate Jaimie’s birthday until the bar closed. It was an epic night.


Yesterday? Just as fun. Eva, Lance, Leilani, and myself made a trip to Oceans of Fun and Worlds of Fun. I forgot, now matter how old you get, small things like that can really make a weekend amazing. Eva and I had a moment where we were sitting in the pool (I was leaned up against a fake palm tree with my head resting against the base) and we were just discussing life….feelings (gasp, right?), and everything that’s going on with us. The sun was shining directly on us. It was warm, the water was just right, and everything seemed right with the world. It was completely out of the ordinary for me to be in a pool, surrounded by children, and feel that peaceful. Pure Kairos.


Do me a favor – think of how much of your life is based on Cronos (linear) time and how much of it is based on Kairos time. Which moments do you really enjoy more? To some, it could qualify as being 9 months pregnant and going through the motions, day to day, waiting for the one moment of sheer bliss when your child is born and your realize your life is changed forever. For others, it’s something as simple as having someone grab your hand out of nowhere, in the most nonchalant way, letting you know there’s nowhere they’d rather be, than sitting there with you. There are varying degrees of this phenomenon, like with anything in life – but it’s not figuring out which are the most important by dissecting every detail, so much as recognizing them as they come, and learning to appreciate even the smallest of Kairos moments.. ~K

"Now I'm sleeping on floors of temporary friends, but I'm keeping the store front as clean as I can --And I'm sweeping the sky for today's revelation, And I'm needing some time and some proper ventillation..."

Where do I even begin? Interactions. Interactions of all types shape the way we think/feel/believe about a person/situation. Sometimes those interactions are good, and sometimes, well you know...you want to burn their house to the ground forget you ever met some people. Speaking in a "non-relationship" type way, there are interactions that occur everyday.

Random Patient: "Can you look at my tooth? I think it needs a filling."
Me: "That would be a good question for the Dr., considering I dont see a filling for that tooth on your current treatment plan..."
RP: "But I can feel it...I KNOW it needs a filling -- schedule me for a filling."
Me: "But what if it's LESS severe? Do you really want to pay for a filling?"
RP: "It needs a filling - I know it does!"
Me: *sighs*

Interactions. They shape how our day progesses...how some days we can do a job and go home and have a pleasant evening of watching Teen Nick and getting drunk watching tv, or cleaning up around the house until it's time for bed...or....OR...we have those nights where we go to the bar when we suggest a friend suggests it, and we end up drinking until 2am when we have to work the next morning.

Do we even realize how we're interacting with people? When you go to the gas station  to buy ciagrettes/condoms/soda, does your interaction leave a good impression on the cashier? Do they make a good one on you? Do you even REMEMBER interacting with them? Sometimes, we get so caught up in the "auto-pilot" mode of our interactions, we fail to see when they have detrimental consequences to our lives.

Let's take relationships for example. Say there are two people who are dating each other, and for the most part, they get along well...but sometimes, they get so caught up in interactions with other people, they forget how to separate that from their interactions with each other. This would probably ultimately lead to the demise of said relationship, yes? If you are mad that "Snotty McAttitude" cashier was rude to you, you could go home and start a fight with "Most of the time I love you but you aren't being sympathetic right now" sifinificant other because of it -- How many times can this happen before the other person just shuts off emotionally toward you ? It would go something like this;  These two people go through the motions, fight when one of them is having a bad day, or even when they are mad about something else, making the other one upset for no reason....  and then one day, these two people realize maybe all they do is fight - so they stop interacting with each other totally.... (such is life)...and both move on and start interacting with other people and the process starts all over again.

Is there a point where we need to go back and focus on what we've done in the past, so we don't repeat it in the future? If we're constantly interacting with everyone in such a way that reflects the way we've always been, how do we learn from our mistakes? If these two people find two other people and start dating them, how do they keep those new relationships from falling into "auto-pilot" and ultimately failing the same way?

Is love really having to say you're sorry? (Wow, I really just said that...) Maybe. Maybe it's just learning to appreciate what you have and not freaking out on someone because they accidentally dump red wine on a cute aqua skirt you adore, or when they do you favor by carrying your make-up case and accidentally tip it over, sending your favorite limited edition bronzer sailing toward the pavement, ultimately breaking into a million tiny pieces... these are just a few instances in which interaction can one of two ways. You can get mad. You can scream and curse at people, or you can stop...pause and reflect on the ACTUAL intention at hand..and get over it. Realize we're all human and things happen -- and not let it affect your future interaction with that person, or worse, end all interaction with that person for good.

Intentions are key. Relaying those intentions is even more important. If we all were able to get past the bullshit and start owning up to these "omg, I'm kind of a hateful bitch being effin' crazy" moments and just tell people how we REALLY felt, maybe they'd understand us a little bit better.  Maybe it's letting someone know that even though we don't speak to them for eight months, we had good reasons for doing it, or maybe saying "even if our relationship isn't perfect, I still love who you are." We could probably all save each other all a little grief and pain.  It could be quite a humbling experience.  More importantly, if once a while we just learn how to say "I'm sorry" or respond with "It's ok...really" when others are apologizng to us, maybe we'd have a few more friends and alot better relationships. 

As for our normal daily interactions, perhaps it's letting the mail man know you appreciate that he goes out in 100+ degree weather to deliver your mail, or letting someone cut in front of us at the grocery store when they have 1 item and I always you have 1,000,000. (For me it's keeping my patience with the patients -- I just used two forms of the same word in one sentence --take THAT 8th grade English teacher!) Abvove all, I feel like it's listening. Interpreting. UNDERSTANDING. All of these things would shape our daily interactions and MAYBE make someone else's day. So, go ahead, get out of "auto-pilot" -- and start interacting. ~K

"Swearing you're gonna drown with a beautiful sigh and a river of lies..."

 Dreams. What do they mean to us?...Why do they happen? I'm not gonna get all crazy bulls**t dream interpretor on you, I just have some thoughts about why/what dreams are and what causes them. (Disclaimer: If you read this and start to think "this sounds like it's about me....she dreams about me while touching herself , or at least it sounds like it's about me? Chances are. You're probably wrong. I feel like my dreams are more of a representation of things/people than they are a literal interpreation of what is happening in my life.

 For me -- it would seem I have this uncanny ability to dream something and sort of "will" it into life - not always specifically the dream itself, just small parts of it...thoughts...phrases...situations. Tiny fragments of the dream itself. I've come to realize the more I "suppress" thoughts/feelings/sexual urges in real life, the more they come to life as a vivid encounter in my dreams.

Some idiot with nothing better to do crazy intelligent dream Dr. seems to think it's brought to life like this; "...Psychological theorists of dreams focus upon our thoughts and emotions, and speculate that dreams deal with immediate concerns in our lives, such as unfinished business from the day, or concerns we are incapable of handling during the course of the day. Dreams can, in fact, teach us things about ourselves that we are unaware of..."

Focusing specifically on the underlined part; I've come to realize a few things about myself. #1)
I despise talking about how I feel. If I could just skip past that part of any relationship and go straight to the "what I often mistake as witty banter" and past all of the "holy crap, we're gonna talk about awkward feelings/emotional crap things, I'd be alot happier. Ask me my thoughts, opinions, judgements about things? I could do that any day of the week. Ask me to describe to you "how this made me feel," I feel like that's the fastest way to make me want to be a deaf mute run from you. Why this is important, is because it's like I have some emtional handicap that I don't really notice as a problem during the day, but find myself wildly thrashing in my sleep at about 4am because of. Why does any of this matter?  #2) It's taking some kind of toll on my sanity. I mean making me kind of "overly emotional" in real life. Stop. Let's put our wheels in reverse. When I say emotional, I mean the random, impulsive rip/tears that Eva goes "Damn, girl...you are like 0 to 90 right now." The moments I get the "crazy eye" and just unload about whatever pissed me off at the moment. Those of you who know me, know how frequent this has been lately...

So, here I am. Trying to get back to "a little less b*tchy nice Kara." Bear with me.

Perfect example: ---> People like to tell me "Kara, you're kind of a b*tch not telling me anything." (I like to play dumb when people do this -- however, I am aware what they mean.) Something crazy could happen to me, and I'd react to it most like anything else in my life. (Side Note: If you have caught me at one of those rare emotional drunken moments, you don't count...) I kind of take it in, mentally process it for a few minutes, and bury it deep throat in the back of my mind. It's like that scene in Harry Potter where Dumbledore takes memories out of his mind and puts them in a rememberant (sp?) so it's like they aren't in his head, but he can come back and process them anytime he wants. I kind of do this. I like to think I put everything emotional "on hold" and come back to process it at a later date. Unfortunately, i've been processing alot of these things while trying to sleep. To an intense degree, even. Perhaps I need a "writing with shower markers on the shower wall"therapy session, but mostly, I feel like I need to process things outwardly...

More specific example: ---> (Here's the part where you read it and go "omg, she's crazy as hell dreaming about me." -- Again, you're wrong. Not a literal interpretation.) Last night, I had a dream I'm in this restaurant with my gay (he is ok with me calling him that) Becker and his super snazzy bf DJ (the Deeeeeeeej) and we're sitting at a table (very high pub table, but doesn't resemble O'Dowd's -- shockingly) and talking about nothing in particular - then, it happens -- the waitress comes to our table with a birthday cake and places it in front of me. It says "Happy 30th, Kara!" and they laugh, but turn to the waitress and say "You did it to early! You were supposed to wait for  _____" (This part actually has to remain blank because it was barely audible, even to me.) I look surprised and smile at them, but then look toward the door "concerned" ____ isn't there yet. First of all, WHOOOA. I'm turning 30 in this dream? Where did the last 5 years go? Second of all, who the hell is _____? It's definitely a guy. I can tell from their reaction and my expression, this is definitely a dude...someone I care for alot (hence the concernicus face.) About then, the door opens and a crisp breeze hits my face, causing me to turn toward the door. (It's December for those of you who don't care can't remember when the hell my birthday is.) There he is. Coming toward our table he takes, long, quick strides (the scary part is ...these strides are awfully familiar...hummmm), seeming flustered he's late... with a huge box tucked under one arm and roses with balloons attached in the other. The problem with this? All this balloon nonsense is covering his face. So I can't even see who this is...I hear him say "Happy Birthday, baby...I love you." I reach up to move the balloons and notice a silver band on my left hand ring finger and stop to study it. I'm 30...and married...to a face-less, balloon hoarder. Awesome. His voice sounds familiar, and I have kind of a good idea who he is... but...then again, it's just a dream? Right. Omg, are you like whhhaaaaat? All of that and she doesn't even reveal who he is? -- Again, like I said...I have an idea, but maybe it's better not to know. *realizes this is incredibly vague and hard to read* (Damn.)

So the dream resolves sort of, just like that. I'm having a quiet, intimate dinner with 3 people I adore, and I'm happy...like grinning ear to ear happy, and the second I realize who it is, I awake in this fog going..."Really?....That was...a dream? It felt SO real." It really did. At that moment, in my grumpy ass half naked 6am stupor, I ponder..."Would I really be upset if this were REAL?" I seemed quite ok with in the dream. As quick as that thought came, it left, as I had to get up and get ready for the day. It's been at the back of my mind all morning. I'm not a huge "future planning" kind of person, but this...this feels different. (Disclaimer: I am not trying to run off and get married this week anytime soon, so let's just table that idea for a few years.)

Now that I've got you not actrually giving a shit but pretending you do on the edge of your chair, let me explain why any of this holds relevancy in real life. I'm so quick to shut down any kind of normal human interaction emotion in real life, it's almost overwhelming when it happens in dreams -- and I end up with the faceless balloon boy who I try to to undersatnd as I sit at my desk, tapping my fingers, and enjoying my delicious daily Saltines.

What does this mean? I need to be more emotional...I'm not talking "crying by myself while watching Grey's Anatomy" emotional - I mean emotional in real life, to real people. This is going to happen SLOWLY and definitely not all at once...but isn't there some phrase that goes "brick by brick?... I will tear down my emotional wall and be better about letting others have insight into my actual thoughts/feelings about life...maybe...hah. ~K



“The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.” -Anonymous