Sometimes, the most dangerous lines are the ones we create for ourselves. This line between what we want and what’s good for us seems to always be me never knowing the difference changing…transforming into instantly regretting things something that clouds our thought process and makes it hard to decipher what we really started out believing.
It’s these lines between “I want this when it's good” and “No way am I putting up with this so I'm out, good luck ever changing my mind” that seem to change over time – develop into it “maybe I should reconsider how great you are” and “I totally overreacted like usual.” It’s a strange sort of things, really. It leaves us uneasy and confused – grasping to this revelation that perhaps WE as imperfect humans made THE WRONG CHOICE but never want to own up to it.
I admit it. From rarely time to time, I make the wrong choice. Instead of stopping to really consider the situation at hand, I fly off the deep end and lose all capacity to care cling to these random acts of stubbornness and decide shutting off is the only thing I"m used to doing really easier than compromising – opening up, really trying to understand someone else’s point of view. (In all fairness, I feel like mine is often overlooked, but that’s just a part of communication we’ll all have to grow and learn from.)
Then again, maybe it’s these over dramatic moments of passion that develop our relationships into what they are meant to be. I can honestly say within this past weekend, I’ve had, AT LEAST, three thousand moments of revelation where I find myself saying “all the evidence would point to this ridiculous idea that I’m/was…WRONG.”
How crazy would it be if we all had a Pensieve like Dumbledore who is gay according to the internet did in Harry Potter?
“The Pensieve is an object used to review memories. It has the appearance of a shallow stone basin, into which are carved runes and strange symbols. It is filled with a silvery substance that appears to be a cloud-like liquid/gas; the collected memories of people who have siphoned their recollections into it. Memories can then be viewed from a third-person point of view...”
Dumbledore: "I use the Pensieve. One simply siphons the excess thoughts from one's mind, pours them into the basin, and examines them at one's leisure. It becomes easier to spot patterns and links, you understand, when they are in this form."
Harry: "You mean... that stuff's your thoughts?"
Dumbledore: "Certainly."
— Albus Dumbledore to Harry Potter[src]
We’d all be super SCREWED. We’d watch ourselves lash out and act like the elected mayor of Crazytown over and over again from a much different standpoint. It if makes you feel any better, I’ll give you a personal example of something I'd never tell you if I weren't writing this blog. Literally, if you could obtain a pensieve at this physical moment and extract a memory out of my brain minus the dirty ones, this would be at least top 5; You’d see me…having my own little mental breakdown…on a day, much like any other day – on my way home from work screaming at the unfortunate person on the other ernd of the phone, except that this is only like the second time I’ve driven this way so I’m uber confused and frustrated as I take the exit to my road -- trying to remember which right hand turn I make before hitting the stop light and knowing I’ve gone too far. Hum…. Confusing. To stop this off, add frustration from having a new job, that I’m not really all that good at and trying to figure out where all of this stuff is going to go…how will I move ALL these things in less than 3 weeks? Stressed. Out. I perhaps, though I can’t be 100% certain, reacted…terribly. To make a long story short…I have this imagine BURNED into my brain of pasta… penne noodles with red sauce to be exact – sitting on my stove; warm – waiting for me… and I swear I will never forget that moment. LINES. Dangerous lines we cross we can’t find our way back from.
Another one would be a conversation that existed that created 8 LONG months of silence that almost killed me…or that awful car ride where everything that was said came out completely more offensive that it was ever imagined and I could literally feel that relationship slipping away with each moment that passed…I could go on with these forever… these are the moments that destroy relationships. We all know we can’t change the past…but we can certainly LEARN from it, right?We should all own a Pensieve…so we can watch ourselves – our reactions, and assess the situation with less emotion and A LOT more understanding.
Does anyone really ever sit back and think why do I read this crazy bitch's blog? “What if this is the last time I do THIS with this person?” (This has a point – really, it does!) I’ve decided something. I look terrible in yellow There’s this idea, that if we lived each day like it was our last, we’d live a life really worth living….so, if we react in each moment like it’s our LAST interaction, would we take careful consideration to be better people? I’d like to think so. New plan: React with your heart you know, not the CRAZY part, the rest will follow. ~K
Ugh. Monday. I hate when people say “someone has a case of the Mondays.” Yeah, idiot. We’ll all seen Office Space… The only thing that could be equally as bad is when the Coffee House Radio Station (the XM station that plays all acoustic remakes of songs, for those of you who haven’t heard me rant continually even though none of you care at ALL about this since my 2nd day of being employed by a Dr.) plays that “Manic Monday” song, slowed down to like ¼ the speed it should be sang by the most manic depressive sounding hipster who will never sell a CD and probably still smokes weed in his parents basement at age 50 for amusement, EVER.
For those of you who know me pretty well on the surface, because apparently I'm told it doesn't get much deeper than that, haha, it was a Redbull Monday – which means what? You guessed it, I was out entirely too late last night having a great time…(I blame the person I rode with that threatened to leave me there…haha) but that’s oddly routine for me to stay out too late on Sunday. The tragedy here, is that I was doing SOOO well the last month about making sure I left by like 11-11:30pm, but these past 2 Sundays, I’ve barely managed to be asleep by 3:30am. Weird phase of the moon? Probably or I'm totally not giving you all the details…Another odd development, I willingly watched sports and let the guys around me discuss it and get all grunty and excited about it without complaining TOO much and by that, I mean I focused on my own reflection in the mirror across from me so I didn't care either way. I’m getting soft. That’s all there is to it.
The best part of this weekend was ………….Daylight Savings time (you so thought I was gonna say something else! We're fighting) Getting to hangout at O’Dowd’s with peeps an hour later was kind of awesome. I was surrounded by GREAT company-- I was the perfect level of booze-infused Lou, that tequila whooped up on me Sunday morning, and can honestly say, it was a great night.
Here’s the epiphany part. (I’m sure you’re on the edge of your chair now and by that I mean wondering why you are even reading this…) I’m………actually genuinely happy with the direction things in my life are headed right now. I’ve met some awesome people, I have a great group of regular friends as well, and I love the things I’ve been doing. Even class is starting to bother me less. I’d prefer to work less and hangout all day in a hot tub somewhere, sipping on an ice cold glass of Moscato and not get up til noon, but that would make me “the materialistic bitch I really am” and “unmotivated to stop being so henious” so I’m gonna stick it out for another…40 years or so, I guess. Hah.
The one thing I would change? I would see the people I adore and rarely get to spend time with, A LOT more…(Natalie, Nikki, GG, Max Janey, Whitney, Brandi, etc…) and probably enjoy more of those small moments where you sit back and think “God, these/this person is awesome. I should probably tell them/her/him that more.”
That’s probably about as insightful as I get on a Monday. While composing such mindless rants of a bitter woman splendid dialogue for you people who don't have shit else to do with your afternoons avid fans (all in reality, just me 1.5 of you…) my gay called – his question, for my birthday do I want one really expensive bottle of champagne or a bunch of really cheap ones? Anyone who knows me (and how materialistic I can be notice I keep pointing that out?…) I OBVIOUSLY chose – a bunch of small cheap ones….that way I can have a wine party, have all my biatches over, and drink until we can’t feel feelings. That’s right, I’m pretty much Mother Teresa reincarnated. Love me. ~K
So, I promised a blog about “eventually warming up to dating”(somehow I got a comment on the last blog claiming I’m a “dick tease”)—so, here goes.
So it occurred to me as I was talking to Mama Corene on the phone (Side Note: for any of you who KNOW my mother, you can imagine me practically talking to MYSELF…same gestures and tone of voice – minus the bitchiness) that everyone thinks I’m crazy lonely. She asked how things were going—the staple question she starts every conversation out with. After our normal “Did you pay your bills with my money?…” conversation we had our “Did you pay your bills…out of YOUR OWN checking account and want me to put money in it now?” conversation (and the answer is yes – I paid my own bills for once – pat on the back for me!) followed by a “so are you dating anyone but please don't tell me about getting naked with them?” conversation. This last one is rare. Usually she likes to hear stories about my dating disasters (is that weird considering I never go on dates she’s my mother?), but this time she wanted to have that “I know you’re busy…but you should really go out and give someone who doesn't work in an Irish pub a chance” type conversation.
Whoa there, lady. This is where you’re losing me. My family continually tells me how super bitchy “complex” I am and how most dudes don’t understand me, hence why I’m obviously single. I think my mother lovingly put it as “You know, Kara…not EVERYONE gets married but really we're saying this to make you feel better.” Isn’t that like an indirect way of telling someone they are an un-dateable troll who will die alone with lots of cats and find themselves running around the house singing the "Meow Mix" song everytime someone uses the microwave? Yeah, that’s what I thought too. Welllllll, anyways…so here we are discussing dating and she asks me about my inability to attract romantic prospects.
(Here’s where I think it gets alot less interesting…)
I answer “I have…some crazy ones.” She doesn’t buy this. She knows me better than this. She says “so, there are GUYS interested in you, but you’re only interested in ONE of them, right?” Damn. Ok…fine. I give these guys nicknames. I call them by a letter (so she can't form a bias opinion in case I decide I really like this guy and don't want her to know the crazy stuff from the beginning) and describe my interaction with all them. “This guy is a friend of _____, he’s cool, but I can’t see us ever getting naked together hanging out alone….ever.” “This guy is AWESOME, but I’m not really into him as more than friends and don't want to see him naked.” “This guy and I have NOTHING in common because he strikes me as the type who plays Dungeons & Dragons on Friday night.” “This guy is the perfect guy…for someone else.” “This guy I like.” “This guy is coming on too strong…” You get the point**…
**Before you think I’m a crazy whore but I'm pretty sure to be a whore you have to actually HAVE sex, I’ve only been on a date with ONE of these guys. As in date, as in NOT touching middles….Just thought I’d clarify…Also, I’m single. I’m allowed to be picky and take my time deciding who I like. If a guy isn’t willing to put in the effort to make me like him/keep me interested than why should I go to extraordinary lengths to do the same? Exactly.
So, back to the point. When did dating become this complicated? Why isn’t it about a guy, who is interested in a girl – so he asks her out. She either says yes or no and they go on about it. Sometimes they go on dates – sometimes he sends her flowers because he totally messed up and he knows it – sometimes she surprises him with thoughtful little gifts or sometimes it’s random texts during the middle of the day to let him know “Hey, I just wanted to say I'm thinking about you…” or sometimes they banter back and forth about who really spilled the beer almost like they’re really good friends – who just happen to like each other. It’s supposed to be like a really awesome friendship (that, most likely, involves touching middles at some point), right? So when did it become all this other crap that makes it completely unappealing?
Bottom line; if I’m doing to do this “dating” thing, I’m going to do it on my terms because I'm a total control freak in relationships. You want to date me? Fine. Be normal but don't be typical. Don’t go all psycho hosebeast on me for things I warn you about (i.e. I hopefully don't make boys cry am not very emotional-- I show emotion that usually means I'm mad, but in my own way …), don’t threaten not to talk to me if I don’t react the way you want me to, and for SURE, don’t think dating/touching/stalking my friends is a good idea. These things seem obvious to everyone who isn't a moron, right?.... hah
I am open to the idea of dating….the right person. So whoever this person is, he should continue to be EXACTLY the person he is when I decide/decided I like/liked him. He should be able to make me laugh …and joke around with me…and be really sweet to me when I’m having a bad day… and send me texts to tell me he was thinking about me and definitely wants to see me naked. These small things are the difference between me actively wanting to date you, and doing the fade out and never speaking to you again losing interest really quick.
Conclusion: I’m complex. I really am. I’m so complex, I’m almost too simple. It’s like a trick question…do I require fancy things or grand gestures? No. I just like a little bit laughter with a little bit of quirkiness thrown in there somewhere. ~K
Everyone grumps that I don’t blog enough – well fine, biatches!! – read this if you’re bored and need stalkerish updates on who what I’ve been doing…I would have updated sooner but I didn't give a shit this is what my life is like;
Monday: Tiiiiirrrred… I got like 2 hours of sleep because Jenni G has huge boobs had an amazing party on Sunday night which I planned on staying at until MAYBE midnight and stayed til 3…ROUGH Monday morning. Let’s also note that I had to drive home reeking of booze b/c SOMEONE (Not important who – YES, hot comedian, I’m looking @ you…) decided to drench my entire outfit in booze before I drove home so I could risk going to jail on a night I actually DIDN”T drink. Lovely… so after work I was drug by my gay (who I hadn’t seen in like 2 weeks) to dinner and a movie (TERRIBLE movie, btw…Don’t see “Hereafter.” Super freakin’ weird and you know I bitched the whole time. Not worth the $5 we paid to see it.)
Tuesday: Was SUPPOSED to go to Tango-- but I had to pretend to do my homework for class tonight that I had to get done and lots of reading…that combined with picking up clothes off the floor of my apartment for 2 hours and getting NO laundry started pretty much took up my entire evening. I also watched Grey’s Anatomy and cried a little on my couch by myself like a wierdo over a fictional show, but that’s pretty standard for a girl, right? I was asleep by 12:30am. It was glorious.
I woke up this morning remembering one very important fact; everyone looks hotter with the lights off One more day of getting up early and I’m DONE for the week. Love it. So class tonight, work tomorrow and you who-ores can be jealous because I’m done being sober for the week.
I digress….Moving on…
Next subject that comes to mind; sex Fall. (This is not leading into some crazy story about my lack of balance, I’m referring to the season…) What happened to Summer? I think the problem is Eva and I failed to discover it was Summer until August when Summer was already on the decline. Fail. I miss my Victoria’s Secret teeny-bikini I bought this year and the 3 bottles of spray tanning oil I was SURE I needed b/c I was going through so much for a while there… *sigh* I guess this will all be put away until next year, unless I keep eating candy and get too fat to be seen in my swimsuit at that point.
Side Note: Does anyone else have trouble staying away from hot naked people all things pumpkin? I don’t care what it is – pumpkin pie/beer/cookies/coffee – I love it all. Dang. Maybe I should go to the gym…between work/night class/dance/babysitting/homework & keeping up with my apartment. Nope- someone will love me fat.Yup – I’ll just cut out sleeping but not really…
It’s almost Christmas. (Thanksgiving barely registers as a holiday to me – I’m not a huge turkey fan) Heck yes. I love Christmas time. Why? Something about my birthday in the month of December brings joy to my nether regions life. Disclaimer: This is not a rant about religion and the birth of sweet baby Jesus – it’s a lot more shallow than that. Shopping. I love Christmas shopping. None for you1 for you – 2 for me. That’s the best shopping plan, EVER.
I noticed something about Christmas shopping. I was at Target the other day looking at bottles of wine baby toys (Side Note: I’m not a creeper except to hot dudes, I have a 9 month old nephew so it’s completely legitimate I was hanging out in the kids aisle) and I noticed; toys are WAY complicated compared to what they were when we were little. Anyone else seen that Moon-Walkin’ Mickey Mouse doll that still has the gay Disney laugh? Totally creepy, but seriously high tech. It’s like $80 and I’m so intrigued by this thing, I’m probably going to by it for Coop and then make it him cry when I take it away from him because it’s actually really cool. (Again, I don’t steal toys from children often.)
The one thing I can live without; screaming children cold weather and bad drivers. It’d be nice if I had one of those “fluffer type, high paying jobs work from home jobs.” Which means wake up, roll off of him log on and then opt for a quickie go back to sleep til it’s a decent hour for working…like NOON…
On a lighter note; Winter is perfect dating weather…it’s equally perfect weather for fire places and carriage rides on the plaza. YUP. I’m super sappy romantic when I want to be. I’ve been so NOT into the idea of dating for so long, but – I’m warming up to it. Why the change? Well I could tell you but making you wait is ALOT more fun…that’s probably another blog entry, right? =) ~K
