“We'll dispose of these mementos when we're done here, that way you won't be confused by their unexplainable presence in your home…”

             “…How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd…”

Sometimes we try to forget things. We write people off, for being a total shithead whatever reason, and one day—they show up again…like they were just waiting until your life was going really well, and BAM…the perfect time to swoop in and cause a ruckus. This normally has two outcomes. It either 1) Reminds us of why we didn’t want them around in the first place or 2) completely re-affirms our faith in humanity. Generally, it’s more of the first one, but not always, I suppose. However, in light of recent events, I’d like to explore this thought further…

            I started to ponder the past. Do we ever really “forget” things? When people wrong us, or let us down—do we like to think, eventually they will see the error of their ways? It just so happens, SOME DO. These people take giant leaps and strides to right that wrong, and those people? They are good people. They are the ones who duck out of Planet Sub some random establishment, you both happen to be frequenting at that VERY MOMENT, after months of no contact, because they feel so overwhelmed by the sight of you. Then, you get a random text about how painful it was to see you. If you respond? They immediately call. They regret the past. They become flooded with memories and the very sight of you—they literally get word vomit of the mouth. There isn’t enough explaining in the world, at that moment that could justify their prior actions. They make an effort to be in your life, even when they know they are at fault, for not being part of it to begin with. It’s like the past is insignificant at this juncture.

            Then, there is this other category. This category of person, who we realize are toxic and always will be. Toxic to your life—toxic to themselves. They are the kind of people who make excuses for every bad behavior, every hurtful word, and take all their own unhappiness out, on the last people who deserve it.  These people claim to not need you around, but they can’t let you go. You always catch these types of people in some sort of lie. The more you are around them, the more it becomes blatantly obvious to you, and the rest of the world, why you SHOULDN’T be. If you are lucky, you spot this kind of person early on—wise up, and cut them out of your life, before they do any real damage.  

            This leads to my next thought—in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet try to overcome a bad relationship/break-up, by literally “deleting” each other from their memories. What if we could do this? What if we could delete every phone call…every email…every text message…every chat…every bouqet of flowers correspondence with someone, like it never happened? We could then not only delete the traces of them, but the actual MEMORY of them? Would you do it?

            I think I would delete some of these people…not to state that I have “regrets” in life, but that I have 26 years of memories that are MOSTLY good, with a few that really put a damper on my faith in people. If I could rid all of my memories of these people, I would.  This leads to another thought—what if your past memories of someone had some good ones here and there?...What if you could pinpoint the moment where it all went bad? If you could not necessarily delete them completely, but you could choose an exact moment in time, and delete from there on. What if they helped you encounter SOME good along the way? If you could keep the people you met, the locations you went, and the good memories up ‘til the “HOLY SHIT-YOU’RE INSANE and it too me this long to figure it out” moment, wouldn’t life be grand?!

            Nah…that wouldn’t be any fun. Then we might encounter these people somewhere down the road, and blindly get mixed up in their crazy all over again—and maybe even worse, this go around. No, I don’t think I would delete people…or memories…or thoughts. I think what I will do, from now on—is focus only on the good memories of people. Forgive people for their total shithead moments (not to be confused with “forgetting”), let go of grudges, and realize…they just aren’t worth the effort it takes to hate someone.

            So, be a good person. If you get another chance to be in someone’s life? They are stupid for letting you have it. Don’t take it for granted. Don’t dwell on the past, but apologize when you’re wrong. Even if the apology is the only thing you accomplish, at least you aren’t in the “erasable” category. Do any of us really want to be “erasable?” To know that as soon as we mess up, our memory is banished from someone’s life, forever? We should take the time to really consider what “delete” means. Does it mean forever…or does it mean until you come around again? For me? It means, “Until you prove you deserve to be part of my life—you won’t be.” ~K

"I think somehow we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

In my Psychology: Conflict Management Systems class (Yeah, I hate this effin' class find the title ridiculous too), we have been discussing what “Western philosophies and practices” we use. Aside from the all present “self-centeredness/self-interest” driven attitudes, and sense of entitlement, and obvious favortism for those who are like us I had to think about what Western culture has really taught me. Do I really relate to the “culture” created around me in past or present? Someone poses the question; “Do times change, or do people change?" I began to really ponder this. DO people change? Here’s what I came up with…

            I grew up in a small town, in Southeast Kansas. For any of you who don’t know anything about SEK, it’s more than I ever made it out to be interesting…to say the least. This particular town is full of god-fearin’ folks who still do it “country.” What do I mean by that? We hang out in fields, drink beer, and cruise up and down the one main stretch of road that exists. The only place to shop in that town is a Wal-Mart. We used to have a JC Penny’s and Stage, (when that store was popular back in the late 90’s) but they closed due to our town’s inability to support them. We have over 100 churches (god fearin’ folks…that can’t AGREE, apparently) and more Chinese/Mexican restaurants than one little town needs…BUT? It’s home. It’s where I grew up. One right turn past Pearl Chevrolet (not there anymore, due to the flood) and a long stretch of road took you around a big curve—you’d come to a dirt road. If you turned right on that dirt road and made a left at Anderson? There was my house--you’d see in on the right, set a little ways back from the road.

My old house, I mean. The house I miss grew up. It was nothing like the huge, fancy house we have now that after 10 years, we are still trying to make it feel like home. It had a barn outside. It was a gravel road with a long driveway that my parents made a game out of “taking walks” each night, just for something to do. We couldn’t ride our bikes without rocks going everywhere. We walked around barefoot on those rocks and survived. We got stung by bees. We heard strange noises, but never any traffic. We saw/heard livestock. There were no tall buildings. We had a giant backyard, and no neighbors around for MILES.

            Why am I telling you all this? Anyone who met me in 2004, on, would probably say…ummm, this sounds NOTHING like you. Why? People change. At age 16, we moved to town. This is around the time I got this idea that “city living” was for me. Fast forward past all the manicures, pedicures, name brand clothes, bleach blonde hair, and overly tanned skin—and, what do you find? Me. Well, up until about Late Winter of this year. Let’s explore who I was from about 2004-2010. Where to begin? Maybe the answer to that question is…I didn’t know. Who really knows what they want in college? You drink. You never do homework. You party. What else is there? You really lose sight of yourself…your goals for your life. I, like many girls from a small town, looking for more—am guilty of this.

            I moved to Kansas City…then to Lawrence (when Sarah had Coop), and then back to Kansas City. Here’s the crazy part…I LOATHE living in Kansas City. It’s noisy, it’s crowded, and it’s HUGE. I get up everyday and drive 40 minutes at 7am in rush hour traffic to get to work, to get in my car and drive 30 minutes to class in rush hour traffic, and then about an hour home at 11pm. It sucks. I live in a city where the shops, restaurants, bars, activities are ENDLESS, and you know what? I’m not sure if this is for me anymore… I miss the days of simplicity. If I wanted something to eat? The furthest restaurant away was 5-7 minutes. You need an oil change? You go to the same place you’ve always gone too. If they close early? They leave your car with the keys in it...and a note that says “Pay us later.” Seriously. This happened to me once.

So, why the sudden change?…You see, I stopped liking the bar scene a long time ago…I go for a few hours here and there, to catch up with my friends, but really? I’d prefer to sit at home with a bottle of wine and good company. I’d rather sit by a lake with my legs dipped over the side, starin’ at the stars, then spend a day in the mall. What happened? I changed….well, changed BACK. Somewhere along the way, this 26 year-old girl lost her way….lost what was really important to her. Lost all of the values my momma and daddy instilled in me from day one. That family comes before anything. That money can’t buy you happiness…and most of all? That being a good person will ALWAYS outweigh anything else. I can dress head to toe in designer labels, a face full of MAC products, fake blonde streaks in my hair, and a nice tan… like I did for years—but you know what I’m actually comfortable wearing…who I am actually more comfortable BEING? A spaghetti strap sundress, cowboy boots, minimal make-up, my natural (well…pretty close to it1) hair-color, and no polish on my fingernails.  

Give me a guitar to strum for hours, over a fancy electronic device, anyday. A field to lay in, on a blanket staring at the stars, over a crowded bar. A tent lying on the ground somewhere, over a five star hotel. What am I getting at with all of this? Is it really that I’ve “changed back?” Have I accepted my “small town culture” as better than the person I was being? Maybe…the point in all of this…is I never really changed at all. I just remembered who I was/am.  ~K

~"Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard."~

As I was trying to fall asleep last night—I kept thinking about how I was surrounded by boxes…just boxes of my stuff, EVERYWHERE. I find moving obnoxious and would rather pay people to do it than lift a finger myself, because it overwhelms me to be surrounded by cardboard boxes. I have to literally take them all, and pile them up along the wall, or I can’t sleep. It drives me insane. Maybe it’s not the boxes themselves though—maybe it’s looking at my stuff…my MEMORIES—being shoved into boxes and labeled to where it fits into my life. Mostly, because I have no idea where ¾ of the things I own, fit into my life.

            I can’t just have boxes that say “kitchen” or “bedroom.” I have to have my boxes labeled specific to what is in them. I can label them things like; “candles,” “jeans,” “boots,” “silverware,” etc. If there are multiple things on the box—I freak out if they are not labeled accordingly. Why so obsessive compulsive? It makes me nervous, that when I put my stuff into boxes, it’s like I’m putting away a part of me. Like I’m taking something I have great attachment to, and putting it out of sight for some undetermined amount of time. Sometimes, I’m afraid if that box were to get lost or broken, I might lose that part of me forever.

            As the night grew on (and sleep did NOT come,) I began to think of the boxes as a metaphor. I started to feel trapped by my walls of boxes—literally, I felt “boxed in.” I felt like all the memories/things I have collected over the years, are making me feel like I should be one way—when really I’m completely different. Normally, it would drive me insane to have my sister at my house, forcing me to part with things I’ve collected over the years, but something about this time was different. As she stood making me pick which shampoos I used the most often, and which perfume I could part with—I started to feel at ease with this entire process. So much so, that even though she was not around yesterday –I cleaned out a bunch of drawers and threw out 2 trash bags of stuff from my apartment. This was on top of the 7 bags we took out on Friday, plus the 12+ bags of clothing/stuff we decided to consign. This was a milestone for me.

            Why the change? I feel like people are kind of like boxes. We take things like memories and experiences, and hide them away for a moment we want/need to think about them later. Why am I holding on to all of these things that don’t fit my life anymore? A gold candleholder I bought because it matched my apartment and I'm obsessive to the point I won't keep things that dont match? A black table cloth that goes on the table I am getting rid of? Shoes I haven’t worn in over a year? I do not need any of this stuff. It’s time to move on from all these things I don’t “need.”

            What did I keep, one might ask? In a box that still remains unlabeled, is a collection of the things I could not part with. Movie stubs from “date nights” with Becker, pictures of my friends and I during our college years, the invitation from Cooper’s baby shower, the thank you card Sarah and Chris sent me for throwing the baby shower, a card with a schedule of dance classes I have taken, a few cards that came attached to some very special flowers I received, my K-State Alumni pin, letter inside a New York frame, and so on…the box my sister would call the “make it in to a scrapbook box.” Isn’t it interesting, of all my possessions, I would freak out if I had to part with these? These things have little worth to someone who would try to rob me, but to me, they mean everything.

            This got me thinking—Maybe the reason boxes bother me so much, is because once you put tape on a box, it’s pretty much ruined. If a box is taped shut, when you open it, or try to rip off the tape, it compromises the structural integrity of the box. Part of the box is ripped away, never to be fully in tact again. Maybe people are like that. All of the memories we make—are intertwined as part of us, and when you try to shut those out, or disconnect from them—it’s virtually impossible. Now, if you’re thinking “what if you slice through the tape to where it doesn’t rip away any of the box? It still proves my point. Every person we meet…every memory we create…is stuck to us—the good as well as the bad. So, at what point—do we become a totally different person than we were before? How much of our structure has to be compromised, before we don’t even recognize ourselves?  

            Every time we pack our lives into boxes, we start to realize how we are different from the previous time we packed our lives up and moved them somewhere else. I sat in my apartment last night, trying to figure out what I wanted to pack, and I was so overwhelmed. Part of me just wants to throw out all of these meaningless things like; collections of makeup, tons and tons of clothes, dvds, furniture, etc. Why do I want/need any of this stuff? I am moving into a house with another girl (who has already furnished it) so really—all I really need is a bed, some clothes, bathroom stuff, a computer (online classes), and maybe a television to fall asleep to.

Maybe all the things I’ve been moving from year to year, have become less special as they are put into one box, and then packed up in another. Somehow these memories feel tarnished and overplayed. I’m ready to make some new ones. Memories where I don’t look back on my life and think “I’m 26…and all I have to show for it is a house full of stuff.” I need only a full box of stuff, like the unlabeled one that now sits in the corner of my apartment, all taped up, but lacking any distinguishing marks. Unlabeled as if to explain I have no idea how to summarize the contents of it into one word.

            In light of recent events, (within the last 6 months)—I’ve really had some eye opening experiences about what is important in life…more importantly: What I WANT out of life. It is not endless scents of perfume, or every pair of jeans “Silver” makes. It’s to be happy. To not fill the void in my heart with meaningless shopping trips that will never come close to accomplishing that goal. I want to start really focusing on the things that make me happy, that don’t include a price tag. Memories that are so special, I need only one small box to keep them in… Yeah, that sounds about right. ~K

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”~Tom Robbins

           A few weeks ago, I was in Target filling a prescription—and decided to journey over to children’s toys (I had a specific purpose in mind at the time), and as I wandered up and down the aisles…I couldn’t help but notice; there is an entire aisle dedicated to Barbies. Does this seem weird to anyone else? Then I realize, it’s because Barbie has so many different personas and outfits, that Matel had to do something, right? Barbie’s ginormous empire aside, it got me thinking…

            How old is the typical Barbie supposed to be? My age? (26) Younger? Older? At what age did Barbie reach her “success?” I studied one for a second before heading over to boys toys (again, specific purpose in mind) and didn’t give it much thought….UNTIL…I was trying to fall asleep last night. I suddenly had this looming thought that I miss the day of actually being able to play with Barbies. Life was so simplistic then. Changing her outfit would change her entire personality for that day. She could be a cook, a gymnast, a princess, etc. How awesome would that be? One day I’m “career Kara” and the next day I’m “visiting Paris Kara.” Everyday could be a new adventure, just by changing my outfit. More specifically—I found myself stuck on the idea that Barbie could put on a wedding dress and be a bride. That was the only stipulation—she had to put on the wedding dress (and matching shoes, if you were lucky enough to still have both of them, a week after she came out of the box), and she was prepared to say her vows to every Ken doll you owned – as often as you liked. (Pretty sure Barbie was a huge slut—but, she was hot…so all the Ken dolls always forgave her.)

            So how many of us women, are walking around with this same mentality? All it takes is a wedding dress to make us bride? It really kind of morphed into a completely different thought from there—but, I found myself thinking “I don’t want a wedding….I want someone to share my life with.” I want someone to travel around the world with—taking pictures in front of every cheesy landmark we find. Someone who would take me to a beach with white sand…lay by my side while I basked in the suns rays—but definitely be ready to throw me in water, the second I was off my guard—Just because he likes to see me get MAD and then laugh for hours. Someone who is .241 seconds away from rushing me to the emergency room, every time I feel feverish. Small stuff like this. Why, as adult women, have we become so focused on the wedding/dress-up part of it?

            As young girls, there are a few things we learn; 1) Don’t play doctor with the neighborhood boys 2) Girls wear dresses and like “dainty” girlish things. 3) The obvious—and most emphasized; “There is some boy out there, just waiting for you to come along—so he can love you for the rest of your life.” If you’re anything like me—the older you get, the more skeptical you become about this third one. (You also start to think Barbie and Disney overdid these “random occurrences where everyone meets their soul mate and lives happily ever after” scenarios.) Maybe I’m destined to meet guys like Ken dolls—they seem perfect and flawless, but on the inside, they are an empty, hollow, shell of a man. A man who can put on a tux and play the part, but when it comes down to it—he just wants to be guy who gets to walk down the aisle with the selected Barbie of the week. All of us want to be selected—but no one really wants to follow through with the “happily ever after” part.

            We want to go through life, feeling important and special, but we don’t really want to put forth the effort to be with another person. I believe it was Marilyn Monroe who famously said; "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." This could not be more true when it comes to my perception on love. I realize I have not (nor, have I been anywhere close) to perfect. I have, however—been a good person. A loving person. A supportive person—and above all—a FORGIVING person. Where has it REALLY gotten me?

            Taking this a step further—I’ve started to realize, there aren’t a lot of guys out there, who deserve any woman at her best. You’ve all become so used to us playing “dress-up” in whatever outfit we choose—albeit a business suit, or wedding gown—that you have started to take who we really are, for granted. You use us. You treat us like we’re replaceable. Like at any given moment—something better will come along. Maybe it’s my traditional belief system, but I am an adamant supporter of the phrase “a true gentleman will never let a lady fall, unless he intends to catch her.”

            Personally, I want a guy who still knows how to open a door for a lady--who walks on the sidewalk next to me, closest to the street, in a protective manner. The guy who always lets me order first, asks if I need anything before he gets comfortably seated, and will slow dance with me at 3am to slow country music, even under the least romantic of conditions. Maybe this all seems one sided—but, I also believe a woman should be the kind of woman that a man WANTS to be better for. So, what should we be doing in return? We should light up when you enter a room—believe in you, no matter how down you feel. We should support you, no matter how rough it gets. Occasionally, trace soft circles on your back before you fall asleep, showing we understand there is a sensitive side to you, and we appreciate that. We should feel all teary eyed when you feel pain.  Things like this, should NOT be hard! These are not unrealistic expectations from EITHER side. So…why are we all so…fake?  

            Maybe we need to STOP living in a world where we can wear different faces/personas each day, and try our best to be GOOD people. Consistent people. People who understand no matter how many outfits and personalities we can wear, that it’s what INSIDE that counts. We should teach our children that. We should make sure they understand that make believe and dress up, are never the same as the real thing. We should also remember—Barbie and Ken’s heads are full of air (and sometimes water if they get loose in the bathtub), and that no rational thinking human would ever choose someone who looks like a good package from the OUTSIDE, without really understanding what makes them a worthwhile person. Until we all start to understand that, eventually we have to grow up—the fantasy and make believe have to fade away— and we have to find something worth KEEPING—then, we are all doomed to make the same relationship mistakes OVER…and OVER…and OVER again. Not this girl though. (I got mad at my Barbie’s for being such slutty bitches, and eventually cut all their hair off, so Ken didn’t want to marry them.) I’m looking for the REAL thing. ~K

~Welcome to My Life:::An Open Letter to My 16-year-old Self~

Dear really naiive16-year-old Kara,

As it would seem I have a decade worth of experience you are soon to encounter, I thought I’d let you know what you are in for—and what advice I have for you. First, and foremost—it’s okay if you aren’t the best at everything. One of these days, you’re going to rely on the talents you have, focus your time on those, and let go of all the things that don’t matter. Your family is ALWAYS going to support you, no matter what. You will have moments where they make you CRAZY mad, but you will have moments where they will stand up for you in ways you never expected. Embrace these moments.

Oh yeah—speaking of family. Your sister will become your best friend. Seriously. You guys fight now, but eventually, she will become the person you are the closest to in this world. She will love and support you—do the same for her. No matter what. You will be thankful you did. She will have an amazing son when you are 25, and you will love that child like your own. You will spend your weekends hanging out with them--and it will become the moments you look forward to most, at the beginning of each week. Not the parties and impressing certain guys--but these two people will make your world (and heart) seem so content.

Next, as important as manicures and always having the “best of everything” seem now, sooner or later—you will find no amount of shopping can fill the void where happiness should be. You have to learn to appreciate the right things. You will make lots of friends over the next 10 years—you need to figure out which are worth keeping, which will come in and out of your life quickly, and which are there to teach you the true meaning of friendship. Keep the ones that are there for you—even at 2am when you’re a drunken mess and just want to cry. Those people will come to understand you in a way you never thought possible. Learn to open up to people—even at 26, I struggle with it. I (much like you) find it easier not to say anything, than just say how I am feeling. We both need to work on this.

Don’t fret when you don’t end up at that fancy liberal arts college in Winfield (that you decided on a whim not to attend, 2 weeks before classes started)—you made the right choice. You will go to K-State and meet some REALLY amazing people who make it all seem worth it. You will get some lifelong friends out of it. One of them, will even talk you into moving to Kansas City (gasp! Such a big city for such a small town girl….)

Trust me, you’ll be fine. You will get a GPS, and soon, find yourself not using it. Even when the road you are used to taking is closed, you will figure out how to get where you are going—very easily. Trust yourself. You know much more than you think you do. For the girl who never drove more than 10 minutes to get anywhere, your 45 minute commute to work each day, will become the part of the day where you process your life. You will take comfort in having that time to decompress before confronted by the world. Don’t get caught up in the traffic, just let it go. Don’t let that define your day. Let your thoughts and dreams fill the space in your mind where “rushing” tries to overtake.

Now, on to the one you are probably most anticipating. Guys. This one is tricky. Even at 26, I haven’t quite figured this one. I have thought I was close a few times, but I definitely am just as confused as you are. The good news? You will meet some REALLY fantastic guys that end up being really good friends. You will also meet some that aren’t worth the time you spend on them. Don’t give them another thought. When it’s over, don’t look back in regret—be thankful you realized they weren’t for you, before you wound up married and pregnant. Did I mention that? Not married. No kids. I’m either destined to be a crazy cat lady, or I just haven’t met the guy that is going to love me unconditionally.

See, That’s the thing about me—I (still) have these crazy ideas that love is full of grand gestures, public declarations, and LOTS of hand holding/kissing/gazing into each others eyes. The bad news is, you will have these expectations, even at your age, and your heart WILL get broken. I could tell you the exact time and location this happens, but I think you are better off to love freely, as though it will never end. That makes the experience so much better. It’s like Miley Cyrus says (you have no idea who that is—she is still a little kid...she’s the mullet “Achy Breaky Heart” dudes daughter—people will compare you to her. It will get annoying. Prepare yourself.) “Ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side—it’s the climb.” True story, kid. You will break some hearts too—but remember to always be kind. Be grateful that someone wanted you to have such a sacred part of them, and let them down gently if you don’t feel the same.

Never cheat. Always be the kind of person your momma would be proud of. If you remember correctly, even she had to give love a try a couple of times to get it right. No one is perfect. What you CAN do, is love—without regret…without reservation…and without condition. If things still aren’t right—then you gave it your all, right? Make sure the one you decide to be with, is not the one you settle for—but a good man, who deserves you. Who always treats you like a lady. Who says the word “beautiful” to/about you. Who respects your family. Who wraps his arm around you at your saddest moments. Who thinks your pretty when you first wake up. Who could fall asleep with his arms wrapped around you. Who wants to hold your hand in public-- and smiles when he says “she’s with me.” Most of all, the person who treats everyday he’s with you, like it might be the last.

As I wrote that last sentence--I just realized, maybe I’m not writing this because I think it’s the things you need to hear. It’s the things I want to tell myself NOW…so I know I’ve made the right choices. That even if my life hasn’t turned out exactly as I wanted to…that somewhere, I’ve made the right choices and I’m becoming the kind of person I want to be. That I’m working to better myself…my life—in ways I never thought possible. I guess we both learned something, huh?...

You will earn a Bachelors degree. Your family will be so overwhelmingly proud of you. You will have some really great jobs, and meet really amazing people there. You will have almost achieved a Master’s degree when you find yourself in the space I am today. You will have a great passion for music writing. Do not put down that guitar—it will soothe your soul when you write songs to reflect your view of the world. Make sure to include at least two lines about yourself/life, in every song you write (it’s kind of my trademark.) I know (and you know) how affected I am by the world. How my heart (although hidden) is on my sleeve. That it LITERALLY hurts when I’m sad. Never be afraid to let that hurt pour out of your music. It will make your songs so much better.

Well…that’s about it. Take care of you (me.)  Cherish your high school years. Go to prom. Cry when your heart is broken. Cry on your daddy’s shoulder when you can’t face it alone. Drive around listening to stupid songs with your friends. Get your nails done (occasionally.) Laugh at things that are funny—but not at the expense of others. Grow up SLOWLY—but right. Be the person your parents raised you to be. Always love yourself--I sure do. <3

An Open Letter re: Relationships

Dear Men/Women of the World--

It has recently come to my attention that given the fast-paced nature of our society, we’ve let go of any value for traditional ways of life--That somewhere along the way; we forgot what our word was worth. Let me give you one example: For about the fourth time this week, I have had a conversation (four completely different people) based around whether or not you should be with someone, when your eye tends to wonder to other individuals—now, I’m not just talking the occasional glance…No, we’re talking the whole “keeping this person tied down while I explore other options” type of shenanigans. If you think this is kind of behavior is acceptable? Then you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.

Let your mind wonder to the stories of our grandparents—they met, fell in love, and were married…To be with each other and only each other forever. Where is THIS type of mentality? No wonder the divorce rate is so high. We treat any type of commitment, like a test drive of a vehicle we are “ok” with, but shouldn’t really be spending $30,000+ on it if we aren’t sure we like it. Let me be clear, not everyone has this problem…some people are happily married or just even faithfully committed to one person—but for the most part? I see the opposite. I see people who have become so convinced that there’s always something better out there, they forgot to just appreciate what they have—and continually search for greener pastures.

Do you know what happens to people with type of mentality? Generally, they are the people who end up devastated when their partner wises up to this and goes “um, I’m no one’s silver medal—I’m out.” That, or they become so overwhelmed by their own guilt, they turn into a psycho and continually accuse anyone who ever loves them, of being the unfaithful one in the relationship—which eventually pushes the other person away. Either way? Not good.

 After about the age of 22, I became tuned in to this little game, and decided to never let any person make me feel that way. Like I’m not good enough…or that let their own infidelity issues make me feel like I’m always the one doing something wrong. I’m done. I have serious issues with people who pull this kind of crap. Now—what if you are the exception? What if you are the person who has a great relationship with someone, and you meet someone so perfect for you, you commit to fully end everything with this original person, and pursue something better. Well? Good luck to you. I would suggest making sure it is worth it, and that the other person understands this is not your NORMAL type of behavior, because this could cause other problems down the road.

Humans are creatures of habit, yes? If you have a habit of never being satisfied, or always searching for something better—what would stop you from doing it in a new relationship? Exactly…NOTHING. For the sake of this new person, I hope they figure it out pretty freakin’ quick.

What’s the point in this rant? Ok, I will let you in on something. There might come a day, when you meet someone who is totally worth your time…your effort…your love. If you continue to play these little games you have become accustomed to, you might just end up losing them. If that doesn't phase you? Good, let them go. They deserve better than you, anyways. They deserve a romance to last through the ages --the type of values our grandparents enstilled in us. Someone who believes in love, and commits to fully honoring the words "I love you," each and every time they utter them. Bottom line: Even if a Disney romance is unobtainable, a really great one, is not. 

Signed,

The Girl Who Will NEVER Be Any Man’s Silver Medal

♫I hate to see a friend of mine, laughing out loud--while she's crying on the inside"♫

As Eva and I wandered around Zona Rosa Sunday, passing time before we headed to the bar movies...we started to notice that everywhere we turned, it would seem--couples were about to throw down publicly bickering with each other. We saw one dude, screaming at his wife for walking too fast and he almost hit her upside the head with a shopping bag...while another woman proceeded to lay into her husband on the phone about being broke all the time but we're pretty sure she was a hooker...while she was buying stuff at Spencer's gifts (yeah, I was pretty shocked these stores still exist too...) Another couple decided to duke it out with each other in a vehicle right next to us...then another couple bit each others heads off in line at Gordman's while their children stared, horrified that they were aware one day they would have the same white trash relationship as their parents. What is the deal with people? I feel like it was not just this day, though...I feel this overwhelming sense of "yuck" when it comes to the way I’ve seen people interacting with their significant others lately.

I would love to say this is some weird phase of the moon, and not everyone in the world is REALLY this unhappy -- but, maybe most alot of people ARE. If this is what being in a relationship, is really about for some people, why do they even bother? We all have bad days...we all but some more than others have moments that are totally and completely insane--but shouldn’t we stop and think about what is important to us when we realize our craziness will eventually push them away? Perhaps, it’s my insane optimism when it comes to love, (WAIT: I know what you are thinking, but I'm actually the relationship type being a Sagittarius, it’s really just programmed into my brain) but I do want to believe there is something better than THAT. I am entirely aware that the tone of this post sounds dismal and hopeless --but, really it’s just my take on how love SHOULD be...not what it has become for many.

A little back-story...I was raised as the child of a divorced family. I saw some crazy stuff in Taco Bell in my day. I saw fights over who would did what to whom even though it was pretty obvious who was at fault—and who is responsible for the consequences of being a freakin psycho what. I also think it made me believe in love, even that much more. Both of my parents understood they simply could not be the person the other wanted them too, and they found new loves. The result? Both of them are happily married --still, to this day.  I’m going to go ahead and say; I think I turned out pretty well minus that whole need to always be right. I understand the realities to love, that there are limits...and pressures...and lots and lots of crazy stress. More importantly, there are realizations that sometimes they can do better than you. If there is a person that makes you so miserable, the very thought of being with them...makes you want to stab your own eyeballs out...why do it? Are afraid of what "starting over" means? Better yet, are we that afraid of being ALONE? I’m not advocating everyone run out and divorce/leave/separate from their significant other, but I plead with people to really start focusing on what is important in life.

Do you want to wake up one day...realizing you despise the dirty pirate hooker person next to you? For what they wanted you to become, that you just can’t be? For what they've done to your spirit in lieu of their constant put downs? In spite of sounding like some cheesy love story, I must admit--I always loved the movie Moulin Rouge. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return." Loved for the things that make you who you are. Accepted for your faults, and supported through your weaknesses. Most importantly, praised for the things that make you the unique person that is worth being loved.

Now, let me say this. There are rarely always exceptions to the rule—these moments in which some people are just horrible to each other, but honest to god, love each other even when no one else can see it. That happens. I get it. I also want people to realize that there comes this point in time...where love turns to routine. You stop remembering the good things about someone, and start to tear them down for who they are. You become so used to the idea of this person you would rather remain unhappy than do anything about it. I hate this idea. I get that not everyone has fiery passion, and those that to have it--are very unlikely to remain that way for the next 50 years...BUT...is it not possible, that if we are truly meant to be with someone, 99% of the time--we should feel like our hearts would explode with overwhelming grief if we lost them? I feel like most people are just kind of "is it what it is." Well...why??

A lot of my friends are divorced. I’ve seen, first hand, what can happen to people who try the love thing, and decide throwing things at them in hopes of ending their lives is bad...sometimes it just really IS NOT enough. What if what we thought was love, was really nothing more than an illusion? Something distracting us from our path...wasting a bit of our time...and making us eternally grateful that we wised up, before spending our lives miserable with them? I will always live by the rule that you can't fix crazy “there are plenty of fish in the sea.” What I mean, is –there are always plenty of people around willing to treat the person you treat like SHIT, better…Moral of that story? If you want to keep the person you “love,” maybe you should start LOVING them.

Admittedly, I have never been married. I have, however, been very close -- and something felt like I was making the biggest mistake of my life...wrong. I see my life at this point, and realize, he was not my forever. None of the people I have been with and given up, for whatever reason…have been my forever. My forever exists in this realm that I will not take lightly. I will do my best to truly understand the ups and downs of love, if I ever before I ever enter into some legally binding contract stating I promise to be yours, forever. I can honestly say, people have started to view marriage as a piece of paper--Something that does not carry any weight in matters of the heart. If you can cheat...if you can physically or emotionally hurt someone...over and over again –if you can live your life without them…and move on like it’s nothing, then, you my friend, are not ready for forever. My forever may not exist -- but I feel like it's worth finding out. ~K