♫I hate to see a friend of mine, laughing out loud--while she's crying on the inside"♫

As Eva and I wandered around Zona Rosa Sunday, passing time before we headed to the bar movies...we started to notice that everywhere we turned, it would seem--couples were about to throw down publicly bickering with each other. We saw one dude, screaming at his wife for walking too fast and he almost hit her upside the head with a shopping bag...while another woman proceeded to lay into her husband on the phone about being broke all the time but we're pretty sure she was a hooker...while she was buying stuff at Spencer's gifts (yeah, I was pretty shocked these stores still exist too...) Another couple decided to duke it out with each other in a vehicle right next to us...then another couple bit each others heads off in line at Gordman's while their children stared, horrified that they were aware one day they would have the same white trash relationship as their parents. What is the deal with people? I feel like it was not just this day, though...I feel this overwhelming sense of "yuck" when it comes to the way I’ve seen people interacting with their significant others lately.

I would love to say this is some weird phase of the moon, and not everyone in the world is REALLY this unhappy -- but, maybe most alot of people ARE. If this is what being in a relationship, is really about for some people, why do they even bother? We all have bad days...we all but some more than others have moments that are totally and completely insane--but shouldn’t we stop and think about what is important to us when we realize our craziness will eventually push them away? Perhaps, it’s my insane optimism when it comes to love, (WAIT: I know what you are thinking, but I'm actually the relationship type being a Sagittarius, it’s really just programmed into my brain) but I do want to believe there is something better than THAT. I am entirely aware that the tone of this post sounds dismal and hopeless --but, really it’s just my take on how love SHOULD be...not what it has become for many.

A little back-story...I was raised as the child of a divorced family. I saw some crazy stuff in Taco Bell in my day. I saw fights over who would did what to whom even though it was pretty obvious who was at fault—and who is responsible for the consequences of being a freakin psycho what. I also think it made me believe in love, even that much more. Both of my parents understood they simply could not be the person the other wanted them too, and they found new loves. The result? Both of them are happily married --still, to this day.  I’m going to go ahead and say; I think I turned out pretty well minus that whole need to always be right. I understand the realities to love, that there are limits...and pressures...and lots and lots of crazy stress. More importantly, there are realizations that sometimes they can do better than you. If there is a person that makes you so miserable, the very thought of being with them...makes you want to stab your own eyeballs out...why do it? Are afraid of what "starting over" means? Better yet, are we that afraid of being ALONE? I’m not advocating everyone run out and divorce/leave/separate from their significant other, but I plead with people to really start focusing on what is important in life.

Do you want to wake up one day...realizing you despise the dirty pirate hooker person next to you? For what they wanted you to become, that you just can’t be? For what they've done to your spirit in lieu of their constant put downs? In spite of sounding like some cheesy love story, I must admit--I always loved the movie Moulin Rouge. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return." Loved for the things that make you who you are. Accepted for your faults, and supported through your weaknesses. Most importantly, praised for the things that make you the unique person that is worth being loved.

Now, let me say this. There are rarely always exceptions to the rule—these moments in which some people are just horrible to each other, but honest to god, love each other even when no one else can see it. That happens. I get it. I also want people to realize that there comes this point in time...where love turns to routine. You stop remembering the good things about someone, and start to tear them down for who they are. You become so used to the idea of this person you would rather remain unhappy than do anything about it. I hate this idea. I get that not everyone has fiery passion, and those that to have it--are very unlikely to remain that way for the next 50 years...BUT...is it not possible, that if we are truly meant to be with someone, 99% of the time--we should feel like our hearts would explode with overwhelming grief if we lost them? I feel like most people are just kind of "is it what it is." Well...why??

A lot of my friends are divorced. I’ve seen, first hand, what can happen to people who try the love thing, and decide throwing things at them in hopes of ending their lives is bad...sometimes it just really IS NOT enough. What if what we thought was love, was really nothing more than an illusion? Something distracting us from our path...wasting a bit of our time...and making us eternally grateful that we wised up, before spending our lives miserable with them? I will always live by the rule that you can't fix crazy “there are plenty of fish in the sea.” What I mean, is –there are always plenty of people around willing to treat the person you treat like SHIT, better…Moral of that story? If you want to keep the person you “love,” maybe you should start LOVING them.

Admittedly, I have never been married. I have, however, been very close -- and something felt like I was making the biggest mistake of my life...wrong. I see my life at this point, and realize, he was not my forever. None of the people I have been with and given up, for whatever reason…have been my forever. My forever exists in this realm that I will not take lightly. I will do my best to truly understand the ups and downs of love, if I ever before I ever enter into some legally binding contract stating I promise to be yours, forever. I can honestly say, people have started to view marriage as a piece of paper--Something that does not carry any weight in matters of the heart. If you can cheat...if you can physically or emotionally hurt someone...over and over again –if you can live your life without them…and move on like it’s nothing, then, you my friend, are not ready for forever. My forever may not exist -- but I feel like it's worth finding out. ~K

"But there's so much time to figure out the rest of my life--And you've already got me coming undone..."

Recently, I’ve found myself having this reoccurring dream – three times in the past two weeks – and it’s gotten so engrained in my psyche, that I can picture the images dancing vividly in my mind even during the day. Sometimes I find myself staring out the window, becoming lost in this cloudy haze of wishful thinking mixed with anticipation for some kind of meaning…

This is not like my normal reoccurring dreams – no one is crazily falling off a cliff, or trying to physically harm me – for that matter, it’s not even violent remnants of some crazy repressed childhood memory that would make any behavioral psychologist yearn to pick my brain   – this one, is…different. Now, if you remember anything about my dream posts – I always dream in very DISTINCT detail. Each time I have the dream, more details start to emerge. (Think back to the birthday dream I had a while back, kind of like that….)

In this dream I always wake up IN the dream. I’m lying on the side of a grassy covered hill, sprinkled with dandelions-- and I’m trying to focus on my surroundings. I can hear people talking in the distance, but no one is directly near me. I’ve obviously been sleeping for a while, because my skin is hot enough that I’m starting to become uncomfortable. It’s summer. It’s VERY hot. Hot enough that even lying here in a bikini with a small black cover-up has made me want to ditch the cover-up and swim out into the lake the lies before me. Across my chest, a copy of “People” magazine rests, half stuck to me from all the tanning oil I’ve slathered on. Figures. I’d be reading this trashy stuff instead of studying for class. I look over to the stuff scattered around me...

 I see spots as I try to focus – I’ve been sleeping with my face toward the sun and I have to put my hand in front of my face to shield it out as I look around, trying to figure out what’s going on. Next to me, lies a copy of “Organizational Development” (the huge Gallos book I read for every class.) Again—it figures I would be reading people instead of studying for class. Speaking of class…what day is it? I look for my phone and find it resting underneath a purple and black bag containing my sandals, tanning oil, sunglasses (not on my face??) and two bottles of water. Wait. Two? Who else is with me?

I find my phone. The background has changed. For months, it’s been a picture of stargazer lilies, and now? It’s a picture of two people smiling. Not the kind of smile that comes in those stupid frames from Wal-Mart that you can tell those two people just met 5 minutes before that photo shoot – No, this is one of those “these people are HAPPY” type of smiles. Is this person WITH me?...Where are they NOW? My phone tells me it’s Wednesday. So…I’m sitting out in the middle of a field on a Wednesday. I want to panic—why am I not at work? Do I have class tonight? I spend about thirty seconds trying to get my bearings, but have NO recollection of why I’m here, or who brought me here? I give up on worrying about work and school—something about this still serene setting, makes it really hard to care. Besides, I really have NO idea where I am. I couldn’t get back for either of those things if I wanted to.

I start to grow concerned that I’m alone out here. There are people on the other side of this hill, because I can hear them laughing and popping open the top of aluminum cans, toasting to something that I can’t specifically make out by the words. I resist the urge to call out to them, because none of the voices sound familiar. I stand up and look around. It resembles somewhere far from the city – there are only little dirt paths and tall grass everywhere around. I turn completely around and see lawn chairs up at the top of a taller hill in the distance.

I start walking in that direction. No one in sight. Hummm… this gets more and more curious. Then I hear my name. I turn around, so startled – that my hair whips me in the face as I stumble to remain balanced. The sun is BLAZING in the direction my name is being called, but I recognize the voice immediately.

Then it was like something from the movies. I remember a hand reaching out for mine – what it felt like when our fingers locked, but we never really make eye contact. It’s like watching the shadow of two people walking away together. NOW, I could tell you it was just a dream (who would the other person be, right?) –or, I could tell you it’s just WISHFUL. THINKING. Either way, it was a pretty good dream. J ~K  

"I get sick when I'm around, I can't stand to be around, I hate everything about YOU..."

Sometimes in life --- we have to accept that we ALL have faults…or things that have happened to us that make us less than “desirable” to other people.  Things we do/personality traits that are just plain, flat out, OBNOXIOUS –and in some cases…well, scary… but we also have to realize that we ALL have some kind of crazy. Some of us are the crazy that could be referenced from my previous blog—and some of us; just have A LOT of crap that we do that isn’t necessarily desirable in a mate. Well, you know what? No judgment. In fact—here’s a list of the top 20 obnoxious things I do…just so YOU know…so you can read this and go “Wow, contrary to how she acts, she realizes she has some crazy in her.” Yes, Yes I do…

So here goes….

1. I have a weird attachment to cards my family sends me. Birthday cards, Valentine’s cards – you name it, it’s probably on my fridge somewhere. I refuse to throw them away…if someone else did? I’d probably cry…A LOT. Then I’d scream at you for throwing away something so meaningless, yet so important to me.

2. If I laugh really hard, I can’t breathe, and I do the old man “breathy” scary laugh --or the “yuck” laugh that is just all around, unattractive. I see myself laughing in pictures and I immediately delete them. I look HORRIBLE when I laugh…smiling? Yes. Laughing? Gross.

3. I always remember really important things—the day after they happened. Like birthdays? I’m terrible. I’m more likely to remember your birthday, the day AFTER your birthday. I don’t do this to be hurtful, my mind just processes dates slowly because I think moments are more important…I could play back every detail of a great moment I shared with you – word for word- but ask me to remember your birthday and I’m the worst friend ever.

4. When I’m really drunk, I sleep with my butt in the air. No rhyme or reason to it just happens. I wake up with a back ache and normally my hips are really sore. That’s how I know I was sleeping that way…because usually by the time I wake up, I’m straightened out again. To anyone who ever plans on sleeping NEXT to me…I kick…A LOT – just ask Becker.

5. I have a shopping addiction -- To the point of scariness, probably. Sometimes I find clothes and go “whose is this?” Then someone like Becker or Eva reminds me of when/where I bought it and I go….REALLY????...I’d rather buy new clothes than do laundry – and sometimes, that’s just what I do. If you gave me the option of buying groceries for 2 months or really cute outfits for 1 week, I’d choose the outfits. My priorities are super screwed up, but shopping is really therapeutic to me.

6. I have CRAZY…craaaaaaazy A.D.D. If we are ever in a car together, I apologize in advance for the random 10-30 second intervals you’ll get to hear music at, which will slowly drive you insane. Also, I may or may not (but definitely do) change subjects based off whatever pops into my head at the time.

7. In addition to that – I do NOT think before I speak. Sometimes I wish I could grab all the words and just shove them back in my mouth before I say them. It rarely works, however…I usually say something completely inappropriate of totally offensive and go “WHYDOYOUDOTHISKARA?JESUS!”

8. I get really annoyed when things don’t go my way. Some might call it “controlling” or “diva-ish,” but really when it comes down to it—I just hate the idea that someone else is calling the shots. The easiest way to convince me to do something? Convince me it was my idea and I will probably go along with it. I promise myself I’ll do better in the future, but here we are…

9. I have a WHOOOOOLLLLLLE lot of guy friends. I don’t know what it is about girls, but guys just seem to get me. My group of regular friends consists of 3 girls and about 10-15 guys. Yeah, we’re lots of fun….but I’m not sure if other people really understand that – or just think we have random orgies…which we don’t… I love these guys like brothers, and if you can’t hang with the idea of a girl that is “one of the guys” – then I’m probably not the girl for you.

10. I hate taking the trash out. I will put it out on the balcony until my apartment complex gets mad before I take it down the one dumpster that’s at the OTHER end of the complex. SO. ANNOYING. Also, I hate carrying it. It makes me wanna throw up. Something about trash freaks me out.

11. I loathe carrying groceries up to my apartment. Sometimes I think it’d be easier to date someone so I could convince them to do this tedious task for me. For the mean time, I guess I just have to keep convincing my gay to do it.

12. I’m not very forgiving. I’d like to think if I ever did something crazy terrible to someone they’d forgive me, but most likely – I wouldn’t forgive them. If a guy ever cheated on me… and trust me, lying is WORSE…I’d NEVER, EVER get back with him. I think people are creatures of habit – and if you have a habit of cheating, I might just have a habit of staying the hell away from you.

13. I make NO sense as a person. I am a conservative liberal who loves and hates everything. I like being independently dependent and live a lavishly simple lifestyle. I think this makes me unique…other people probably think it makes me CRAZY…and completely nonsensical…in a way that is simply understood…if anyone ever asked me to explain it.

14. I’d rather be alone than settle for someone I do NOT want to be with. No amount of convincing me it’s a good idea will ever talk me into a guy. My friends could tell me he’s wonderful…that’s he’s a freakin’ prince – and I’d rather be alone than be with someone I’m not interested in…AT ALL.

15. I’m stubborn – to a fault. If I’m wrong, I will find 100 ways to prove why I’m right...in fact, I could say I’m right, you could prove it wrong, and I will find a loophole as to why I’m right. It’s a really messed up system, but it’s how I roll.

16. I am kind of selfish with my time. I work 8-5 Monday-Thursday, Monday night I have class from 6-10pm, Tuesday I have dance from 7-11, Wednesdays I normally hang out with Becker, Thursday I have class from 6-10pm and then I go listen to Hopper play with a group of friends til about 2am, and Friday and Saturday I go out with my friends…Sunday? I meet them for dinner. Sometimes a comedy show is thrown in there somewhere. In order to want to make time for you – I have to MAKE.TIME. for you. This schedule can change (and it will when I enroll in different classes next term) but the odds that I will fit most people in, is kind unrealistic. Now, I have FRIENDS I will make time for…but if you ask me on a date and I say “no,” it’s because I’m busy – and rearranging my schedule is undesirable.  

17. I think love is a fairy tale. I stupidly, still believe in all the things Disney movies told us would happen in life. I think some guy will come out of NOWHERE and sweep me off my feet and love me unconditionally “happily ever after.” I think we’ll walk around and hold hands when we’re 80 and fight just as passionately as we make up. We’ll say “I’m sorry” and “I love you” and mean it every single time. We will see other attractive people and comment on them, but never think of it as anything other than “talk” because we are so desperately in love with each other. NOW – saying all this…I think it’s important to note I don’t think 99% of guys could fill this role. I’m particular to a fault. I want to be romanced. I want a guy who still believes in grand gestures and would be HONORED to be with me. I will not settle for someone who isn’t willing to put that kind of effort in…because of all the things I am….and all the things I don’t like about myself – I have a LARGE capacity to love.

18. I cannot save $. I don’t’ know what it is about me…but I’d rather spoil the people I love (and obviously myself) than have some cushy savings. I don’t mean spoil with crazy things I can’t afford – but small things that let the people around me know I care…which is good for them…bad for my savings. I’ll save $$ in my 30’s. My 20’s are meant to be frivolous if you ask me.

19. I have the most obnoxious singing voice. It’s like Sheryl Crow meets Kelly Clarkson with a little bit of (ugh) Miley Cyrus thrown in there. It makes no sense. Sometimes my voice kind of does this “raspy breaking” thing that other people swear they love. I kind of hate it. I record myself and scrutinize myself to a T. I probably have the weirdest look on my face when I play or hear a recording of myself, because I think it sounds like shit. It wouldn’t be weird of my friends were like “I don’t care for your voice” but I’d probably be like “why have you been lying all this time then?!” Ugh!

20. I have no life plan. I live/work in KC. I don’t want to end up here. I love my friends. I love my family…but they will not dictate any part of where I end up. I think living life a day at a time is sometimes the best way to live. It’s enthralling to know you have no idea where you’ll be a year from now…and you know what? Most people find it annoying that I move ALL. THE. TIME, but I love it. I go where I want. I do what I want. Most of all, I continue to live in this little Kara bubble that other people just can’t seem to understand….such is life. ~K

"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up..."

As Brandi and I prepare for the release (or creation for those who actually got excited about that – which is no one) of our upcoming book (by that I mean, we write stuff and pretend our friends care to read it), it comes to my attention that I haven’t just written down what I’m thinking in a while…

So, here goes…

First and foremost – You absolutely, without a doubt, cannot fix crazy. You can hide it – bury it DEEEEEEEEP down inside, in hopes of tricking someone for a small stint of time, but the problem still lies…you are, in fact, CRAZY. Do not be fooled. This is not a package deal. You aren’t “hot, but crazy…” or “crazy-hot” you are just “crazy.” Crazy enough that, like when little kids pee in the pool, a stream of green gaseous matter should follow you around to warn others to stay away from you.

Now you’re thinking, Kara, aren’t you being a TAD bit unfair? We all have SOME crazy in us – BUT, perhaps I am on to something? I get it. We all have crap. We all have things from our past relationships that sneak up every now and then even though we wouldn’t normally react this way, we’re sitting outside someone’s house at 3am wondering why their car isn’t there –but, what I’m referring to is this idea that the really CRAZY people out there have gotten into such a repetitious pattern, with this sort of behavior, they are literally overtaking the population.

Example #1:

Why do people stay in relationships that are mediocre when they know they aren’t happy? Are you waiting for her/him to STOP hacking your email or checking your phone for texts, while simultaneously sending other dudes/girls texts, every time you take a shower, so you can admit your relationship is…NORMAL? Nothing about that sounds “normal.” I’d say if you see early (or hell, even LATE) warning signs that the person you are with has the potential to be a crazy jealous significant other – get out.

Someone will argue; “Well that’s not fair, Kara…what if I was CHEATED on before?” Then you should realize how CRAPPY that is and never want to do it to anyone else. On that note, you don’t want to be so crazy, you force the other person to go out and meet other people because they literally can’t wrap their mind around how obsessively crazy you have become. See how this turns into the ‘ol bait ‘n switch on ya?

Moral of this example; If this person is CRAZY jealous – get out. Quickly.

Example #2:

Don’t be a crazy ex. If you once shared something great with someone, and they for whatever reason (you cheating, getting super psycho, fat, hideous, becoming a bible beater, druggie—any combination of those things or whatever reason) left you – THEY LEFT. Let them leave. Do not proceed to stalk their facebook, and better yet…their new love interest. Do you really want to be known as the guy/girl who was SO CRAZY, you showed up at Taco Bell because you knew his/her new “person” eats there every Tuesday at lunch with their co-workers? Yeah – don’t be that person. You want to stay friends? Fine. You guys need a “don’t ask-don’t tell” policy when it comes to new people in your lives. You don’t ask if they are having sex with/dating someone else, and you don’t tell them about your own situation. Leave it be.

Also, last I checked – none of my friends have ever said “and then I stalked them…to the point where they had no choice but to be with ME…and we are SO. HAPPY.” Yeah. Unlikely. Leave it be, yo.

Moral of the story – if you find yourself at Walgreens--at 3am, standing on a shelf, peeking between dented jars of peas to catch a glimpse at the person who has “taken your place” – You need help. You really do.

Example #3:

You never dated this person, yet you feel compelled to refer to them as “the one.” The one that what? Got the restraining order? I’m guessing you don’t change those uber creepy-stalkerish ways, this is inevitably what will happen.

See, I love comedian Moshe Kasher – I really do. Less in a romantic way, and more of a “I would totally stalk him” kind of way, but I do not follow him around the continental US jumping out of airplane bathrooms and attacking him. I follow him on Twitter. See the difference? I also don’t live in some warped reality where I believe I will be Mrs. Moshe Kasher…

Anyways, point being—you can’t force someone to be with you. If you’ve ever seen the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” then you understand this phenomenon that goes something like “If he wants to be with you – he will make it happen.” Same applies, to both sexes. If they seem to be avoiding you like the plague and you just can’t figure out why, you’ve probably scared them off. How? Pretending that you two are living in some fairy tale romance while they are scared to drink around you, in fear that they will wake up naked and confused by the thought they could ever actually think being naked with you was a good idea. See how this works?...

This one is tricky.  You feel it? They don’t. How about you take all the crazy-centered energy and put it some good use…like giving your stalker a chance and taking them for a nice dinner at the Olive Garden.

To sum this all up – I get it. We all have things in our life that we don’t necessarily see as “crazy,” but sometimes we need  reality check that says—“Hey, get the hell away from me before I freak out.” I think everyone has been there. I know I’ve looked at things I’ve done in past relationships and thought “Wow, I can’t believe I reacted like that…” The difference is that I’ve LEARNED from it. I vowed to never let that side of me take over again. So I’ve learned to contain it – as should you! If you want to have a normal life, and stay out of jail because you smothered your entire naked body in chocolate and peanut butter, because you know how much they LOVE a Reese’s peanut butter cup --I hope you put my advice to good use. ~K