"Just because you accept help from someone, doesn't mean you have failed. It just means you're not in it alone."~Life As We Know It

I rarely feel a need to be serious, but when I do it has thoughtful intent – I’ve been thinking a lot about how optimistic I’ve become lately. It seems like only yesterday I was this anti-social person living in my plaza apartment, leaving only to buy groceries or go to Target for books and home furnishings. I finished an entire series of books in 4 days because I never stopped reading. I redecorated my entire apartment in less than 2 weeks because I never spent any time out of it. This doesn’t sound a lot like me, does it?...



Think present day; Monday – I’m usually recovering from the weekend (this session I have class on Mondays). Tuesday – I’m either doing dance or watching my comedian friends do stand up. Wednesday – I normally have class (although I don’t this session.) Thursday I have class this session and I usually go listen to Hopper do his acoustic show. (Somewhere in here I make time to see my gay/other friends.) Friday and Saturday I normally see Hopper’s full band play/babysit Cooper/travel out of town/or just hang out with friends. I am SUPER busy person, socially… this wasn’t always the case…


Tragedy. It rocks some of us to our core. It challenges the very beliefs that have been instilled in us since birth. It makes us see all the BAD that exists in the world. Sometimes we recover – but only after a severe mental/physical/emotional breakdown of some sort or enough time passes, we eventually start to find ourselves again. For some of us, it’s watching a person we’ve been close to since birth, slowly deteriorating until they are a former shell of themselves – for others, it’s the physical loss of someone we’re close to. Whatever the reason; death, disease, loss of love, financial loss – tragedy SUCKS.


It makes us completely different people. I hate the saying “everything happens for a reason.” Equally as obnoxious is when people say “what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger.” I think these are both false. Everything happens because some random chain of events set something devastating into motion that could not be stopped, even by fate. As for getting stronger from it? Hardly. Most of us spend a good chunk of our days wandering around with shattered pieces filling the space a happy heart used to dwell. It’s overwhelming. Sometimes it’s so much to take in; you can physically hear your heart struggling to beat…THAT is tragedy. That is what it feels like. For those who have never experienced it? Well, you are a LUCKY person…for those of us who can recall multiple instances in which we literally weren’t sure we could survive how grief stricken we’ve become – it’s a lot to take in. It’s a lot to expect another person to understand/put up with/want to help you get over.


For me? Personally, tragedy started in my life at age 7 when my very best friend in the entire world (my grandfather) passed before my eyes like an episode of our beloved soap opera (All My Children) before nap time. The memory of Neapolitan ice cream with Mr. Good Bars or peppered raw turnips for snack time will forever be a part of my childhood. It’s really the small things you miss about people. The smell of a certain aftershave, or a little red truck picking you up from kindergarten…to present day; watching my grandmother, whose helped raise me since birth, struggle to remember who I am.


Really – my point is, tragedy is awful. It really is. It becomes part of us. The point in all this is finding out how to hold on to the good memories while at the same time, letting go of the bad. We build walls. We figure out how to keep people from getting close to us by shutting them out. Then one day, we realize we want someone else in our world because we need the good with the bad. The happy with the sad. Most of all, we realize tragedy exists so we can appreciate how precious and rare GOOD moments are.


Fast forward---Saturday afternoon…playing “farm animals” and “the colored ball goes down the spinney hole while air pops them back up through a tube while an obnoxious song plays” with my baby nephew. These are the moments I really understand what joy is. Seeing a messy toddler covered in Chipotle with an infectious giggle is enough to make anyone’s day – well definitely mine. It’s the moments that overwhelm you with happiness to the point you think your heart with burst (in the good way.) Pretty sure (upon Sarah’s command) he said “Auntie,” or at least something that closely resembled it. That’s a win for the day, if you ask me.


On that same token – when it comes to relationships – we all have bad things in our lives. We’ve all been through SOMETHING that was not easy and, quite possibly, damaged some of the good in us. Some people have varying degrees of tragedy, while some figure out how to balance what we want out of life with what we’ve had the pleasure and eventually loss of knowing. We grow. We understand each other in ways we never thought possible. What the real challenge here is--is this ability to be patient. To understand some of us have been through things so big, we can’t possibly wrap our heads around expecting another person to relate. The surprising thing is, if you try sometimes – well, you just might find…you get what you need. ~K

♫I know better not to be friends with boys with girlfriends♫

I really hate days I have to work Mondays. Like, literally LOATHE them. More than average person, I think. It’s crazy too – because if you think about it – Tuesday, at 5pm, my work week is already HALF over. I think this is, in part, due to the fact I don’t sleep more than 2 hours on Sunday nights. What Who could I possibly be doing instead? Important to note I am absolutely asking this rhetorically because SOMEONE out there somewhere is going to say “doing it” or something of that creepish nature – but no…I’m awkward nerdy crazy emtoinally handicaped and run from guys like 94% of the time so there is none very little of that biz going on. Moving on.

Sunday could quite possibly be the single girl’s untapped resource. (Side Note: I was about to start typing and noticed the cursor was 2 pages down—my chest unknowingly likes to rest on the space bar and incorporate itself in to my writing – which is almost like a prank you pulled on yourself – it’s really inconvenient to be a girl sometimes…) I think it’s important to note that when female’s use the word “tapped,” we mean it just like guys do we are not generally referring to sexual activity. However, it is almost spring, so you know what that means?! Yup. People are seriously trying to hook up left and right. Everywhere I turn I feel like dudes are trying to bang hang out with me. (Probably sleep with me too, but we’ll assume some of them have good intentions even though we know its false.)

Now – I don’t consider myself a totally conceded girl because I'm forced to see myself naked daily and it even scares ME, but most people know sort of where their attractiveness stands. If other people MOSTLY find you good looking or at least point out your unattractiveness less now you don't go out in public, you probably are. Unless you’re Hilary Swank. I agree with that episode of The Office – she’s NOT hot. I digress. Point being, spring makes people wanna do it like rabbits. It’s such a crazy time of year. It’s getting nice outside and girls start wearing sun dresses and guys have to start tucking things in awkward positions because of all the bare skin in view. So 1 of 2 things is happening here—1) I’m actually ok looking and people want to touch middles with me or 2) Desperation is setting in for like 90% of the population. Either way, it’s getting interesting.

I feel like for some reason, some how Sundays have turned in to this “Well, it’s Sunday and I need to hit on at least one person before this week ends, so here’s my last desperate chance” type thing, because SERIOUSLY…can’t reiterate that more…SER-I-OUS-LY—every Sunday I get in some craziness. Some of it? I like. About 6% (I really just chose this number at random—kind of like when I swear I’m only 17% drunk) Some of it is me getting NO sleep and Mondays sucking just that much more. Always a down side.

So what’s the point in all this? I kind of “accidentally” stumbled upon a rare gem? Yeah, probably not. It’s just that I always go to the same place and hang out with the same people so I’m fascinated when new people come around. Probably more true than false. It normally turns out 1 of 2 ways—1) They are legitimately cool and we hang out with them. I will probably be interested in them all of 5 minutes and then permanently shove them into the friends category because that's what I do...EVERY time or 2) always a fun one…they are just completely mind blowingly nuts and we pray they sit somewhere else next time. In the mean time, it’s been more of the first one than the second one…so I kinda dig it. So yeah, Sundays are kind of awesome lately. If you’re a girl, and single, you definitely need to come view the world from this perspective—it’s a good view from the top…or bottom—depends on how you like it. ~Kara

"The big big bang, the reason I'm alive--When all the stars collide, in this universe inside..."

Lately, Ive had this insatiable need to buy everything in sight a house... yes, a house. This seems minor to some (we've all been through the nightmares of renting a 1 bedroom apartment for $800 a month with paper thin walls that you can hear your neighbors doin' it to some R. Kelly soundin' baby makin' music at 3am on a Wednesday) but what I mean is...stability. Sigh. Yes, I Kara...have decided I need to stop changing my mind every 5 seconds figure out my 5 year plan.


Now. What is it, you might ask? (You probably don't care in fact, why should you?) I would answer with 1) buying a house 2) finshing my Master's (that's more of a 2 yr plan) and 3) Figuring out if Im good at sexual relationships, or doomed to be a crazy cat woman. With this in mind, I cant help but wonder...at what age do we figure out what we want?...In lieu of this "Carrie Bradshaw" type of revelation...Ive decided Im going to babble on until I figure out the answer because I wrote this while I was bored in class.

In light of some things Ive figured out from past boyfriends, Ive decided I can be good at relationships when I WANT to be. Ive decided even though I've had some super disastrous relationships that almost ended in restraining orders -- Ive had some really REALLY good ones that make me regret ever letting those people go. The best ones? The ones where it felt impulsive...I was attracted to this person on a whim. We met. We talked. I felt INSTANTLY connected to this person. I don't mean the people you waste time going "eh, maybe I will waste a few years of my life trying to find someone better I can be talked into this..." but the people you just cant stay away from. Regardless of what odd information they give you, or crazy it seems to think this...you JUST want to be with them. End of story. No real explanation as to why. You want to be with them bad enough even if they were batshit crazy you were kind of talking to/dating someone else, you'd be done in a millisecond to be with this person. Ive had moments like this. They were fantastic. They are the exboyfriends I still joke around and love talking to, even to this day.


Similarly...I decided one week I was going to enroll in grad school as long as I didnt have to pay for it - I sent in an application, met with the advisor a week later and, and 3 days later was enrolled in my first class that started 2 weeks after that. It all happened so fast and wow do I sometimes wonder how I even stay motivated . It was impulsive and I loved every moment of it. I now attend class and an working toward getting my Masters but wishing I could just buy one.


Again, a similar situation... someone approached me wanting a dance partner that occasionally wanted to touch middles, I had to decline on the second part. I went with them to a dance class. I fell in love with it. I haven't been doing it too much lately, but I learned I have real passion for it, and it all just kind of came upon me randomly.

My car? I had a wreck that involved me turning my car into tilt-o-whirl like you used to ride as a child at the city fair. I looked up vehicles online for about 30 minutes and decided I wanted a Terrain. Its my favorite car to date because I"m a terrible driver and who doesn't love a back-up camera?. I test drove cars for weeks before I bought my last 2, and this one was an impulsive decision my parents had it being held at a local delarship because I threatened them before I'd even test drove it on my word that I wanted it. Crazy, right?

I think my point is that impulsivity rules my life. To a fault. To the point where if I begin to overthink a situation, I find myself becoming bored with it...not into it at all. The gut feeling I have is usually the one I should go with. So I've answered my own question. What's my 5 year plan? To trust myself and learn to trust others. Realize life is entirely too short to waste it being like Ben Stiller's character in Along Came Polly who analyzes the risk of EVERY big decision he makes, before ultimately figuring out impulsivity can be GOOD. It can be what makes life worth living. I want a life worth living...I want...A HOUSE!~K