"I think somehow we learn who we really are and then we live with that decision." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

In my Psychology: Conflict Management Systems class (Yeah, I hate this effin' class find the title ridiculous too), we have been discussing what “Western philosophies and practices” we use. Aside from the all present “self-centeredness/self-interest” driven attitudes, and sense of entitlement, and obvious favortism for those who are like us I had to think about what Western culture has really taught me. Do I really relate to the “culture” created around me in past or present? Someone poses the question; “Do times change, or do people change?" I began to really ponder this. DO people change? Here’s what I came up with…

            I grew up in a small town, in Southeast Kansas. For any of you who don’t know anything about SEK, it’s more than I ever made it out to be interesting…to say the least. This particular town is full of god-fearin’ folks who still do it “country.” What do I mean by that? We hang out in fields, drink beer, and cruise up and down the one main stretch of road that exists. The only place to shop in that town is a Wal-Mart. We used to have a JC Penny’s and Stage, (when that store was popular back in the late 90’s) but they closed due to our town’s inability to support them. We have over 100 churches (god fearin’ folks…that can’t AGREE, apparently) and more Chinese/Mexican restaurants than one little town needs…BUT? It’s home. It’s where I grew up. One right turn past Pearl Chevrolet (not there anymore, due to the flood) and a long stretch of road took you around a big curve—you’d come to a dirt road. If you turned right on that dirt road and made a left at Anderson? There was my house--you’d see in on the right, set a little ways back from the road.

My old house, I mean. The house I miss grew up. It was nothing like the huge, fancy house we have now that after 10 years, we are still trying to make it feel like home. It had a barn outside. It was a gravel road with a long driveway that my parents made a game out of “taking walks” each night, just for something to do. We couldn’t ride our bikes without rocks going everywhere. We walked around barefoot on those rocks and survived. We got stung by bees. We heard strange noises, but never any traffic. We saw/heard livestock. There were no tall buildings. We had a giant backyard, and no neighbors around for MILES.

            Why am I telling you all this? Anyone who met me in 2004, on, would probably say…ummm, this sounds NOTHING like you. Why? People change. At age 16, we moved to town. This is around the time I got this idea that “city living” was for me. Fast forward past all the manicures, pedicures, name brand clothes, bleach blonde hair, and overly tanned skin—and, what do you find? Me. Well, up until about Late Winter of this year. Let’s explore who I was from about 2004-2010. Where to begin? Maybe the answer to that question is…I didn’t know. Who really knows what they want in college? You drink. You never do homework. You party. What else is there? You really lose sight of yourself…your goals for your life. I, like many girls from a small town, looking for more—am guilty of this.

            I moved to Kansas City…then to Lawrence (when Sarah had Coop), and then back to Kansas City. Here’s the crazy part…I LOATHE living in Kansas City. It’s noisy, it’s crowded, and it’s HUGE. I get up everyday and drive 40 minutes at 7am in rush hour traffic to get to work, to get in my car and drive 30 minutes to class in rush hour traffic, and then about an hour home at 11pm. It sucks. I live in a city where the shops, restaurants, bars, activities are ENDLESS, and you know what? I’m not sure if this is for me anymore… I miss the days of simplicity. If I wanted something to eat? The furthest restaurant away was 5-7 minutes. You need an oil change? You go to the same place you’ve always gone too. If they close early? They leave your car with the keys in it...and a note that says “Pay us later.” Seriously. This happened to me once.

So, why the sudden change?…You see, I stopped liking the bar scene a long time ago…I go for a few hours here and there, to catch up with my friends, but really? I’d prefer to sit at home with a bottle of wine and good company. I’d rather sit by a lake with my legs dipped over the side, starin’ at the stars, then spend a day in the mall. What happened? I changed….well, changed BACK. Somewhere along the way, this 26 year-old girl lost her way….lost what was really important to her. Lost all of the values my momma and daddy instilled in me from day one. That family comes before anything. That money can’t buy you happiness…and most of all? That being a good person will ALWAYS outweigh anything else. I can dress head to toe in designer labels, a face full of MAC products, fake blonde streaks in my hair, and a nice tan… like I did for years—but you know what I’m actually comfortable wearing…who I am actually more comfortable BEING? A spaghetti strap sundress, cowboy boots, minimal make-up, my natural (well…pretty close to it1) hair-color, and no polish on my fingernails.  

Give me a guitar to strum for hours, over a fancy electronic device, anyday. A field to lay in, on a blanket staring at the stars, over a crowded bar. A tent lying on the ground somewhere, over a five star hotel. What am I getting at with all of this? Is it really that I’ve “changed back?” Have I accepted my “small town culture” as better than the person I was being? Maybe…the point in all of this…is I never really changed at all. I just remembered who I was/am.  ~K