"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up..."

As Brandi and I prepare for the release (or creation for those who actually got excited about that – which is no one) of our upcoming book (by that I mean, we write stuff and pretend our friends care to read it), it comes to my attention that I haven’t just written down what I’m thinking in a while…

So, here goes…

First and foremost – You absolutely, without a doubt, cannot fix crazy. You can hide it – bury it DEEEEEEEEP down inside, in hopes of tricking someone for a small stint of time, but the problem still lies…you are, in fact, CRAZY. Do not be fooled. This is not a package deal. You aren’t “hot, but crazy…” or “crazy-hot” you are just “crazy.” Crazy enough that, like when little kids pee in the pool, a stream of green gaseous matter should follow you around to warn others to stay away from you.

Now you’re thinking, Kara, aren’t you being a TAD bit unfair? We all have SOME crazy in us – BUT, perhaps I am on to something? I get it. We all have crap. We all have things from our past relationships that sneak up every now and then even though we wouldn’t normally react this way, we’re sitting outside someone’s house at 3am wondering why their car isn’t there –but, what I’m referring to is this idea that the really CRAZY people out there have gotten into such a repetitious pattern, with this sort of behavior, they are literally overtaking the population.

Example #1:

Why do people stay in relationships that are mediocre when they know they aren’t happy? Are you waiting for her/him to STOP hacking your email or checking your phone for texts, while simultaneously sending other dudes/girls texts, every time you take a shower, so you can admit your relationship is…NORMAL? Nothing about that sounds “normal.” I’d say if you see early (or hell, even LATE) warning signs that the person you are with has the potential to be a crazy jealous significant other – get out.

Someone will argue; “Well that’s not fair, Kara…what if I was CHEATED on before?” Then you should realize how CRAPPY that is and never want to do it to anyone else. On that note, you don’t want to be so crazy, you force the other person to go out and meet other people because they literally can’t wrap their mind around how obsessively crazy you have become. See how this turns into the ‘ol bait ‘n switch on ya?

Moral of this example; If this person is CRAZY jealous – get out. Quickly.

Example #2:

Don’t be a crazy ex. If you once shared something great with someone, and they for whatever reason (you cheating, getting super psycho, fat, hideous, becoming a bible beater, druggie—any combination of those things or whatever reason) left you – THEY LEFT. Let them leave. Do not proceed to stalk their facebook, and better yet…their new love interest. Do you really want to be known as the guy/girl who was SO CRAZY, you showed up at Taco Bell because you knew his/her new “person” eats there every Tuesday at lunch with their co-workers? Yeah – don’t be that person. You want to stay friends? Fine. You guys need a “don’t ask-don’t tell” policy when it comes to new people in your lives. You don’t ask if they are having sex with/dating someone else, and you don’t tell them about your own situation. Leave it be.

Also, last I checked – none of my friends have ever said “and then I stalked them…to the point where they had no choice but to be with ME…and we are SO. HAPPY.” Yeah. Unlikely. Leave it be, yo.

Moral of the story – if you find yourself at Walgreens--at 3am, standing on a shelf, peeking between dented jars of peas to catch a glimpse at the person who has “taken your place” – You need help. You really do.

Example #3:

You never dated this person, yet you feel compelled to refer to them as “the one.” The one that what? Got the restraining order? I’m guessing you don’t change those uber creepy-stalkerish ways, this is inevitably what will happen.

See, I love comedian Moshe Kasher – I really do. Less in a romantic way, and more of a “I would totally stalk him” kind of way, but I do not follow him around the continental US jumping out of airplane bathrooms and attacking him. I follow him on Twitter. See the difference? I also don’t live in some warped reality where I believe I will be Mrs. Moshe Kasher…

Anyways, point being—you can’t force someone to be with you. If you’ve ever seen the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” then you understand this phenomenon that goes something like “If he wants to be with you – he will make it happen.” Same applies, to both sexes. If they seem to be avoiding you like the plague and you just can’t figure out why, you’ve probably scared them off. How? Pretending that you two are living in some fairy tale romance while they are scared to drink around you, in fear that they will wake up naked and confused by the thought they could ever actually think being naked with you was a good idea. See how this works?...

This one is tricky.  You feel it? They don’t. How about you take all the crazy-centered energy and put it some good use…like giving your stalker a chance and taking them for a nice dinner at the Olive Garden.

To sum this all up – I get it. We all have things in our life that we don’t necessarily see as “crazy,” but sometimes we need  reality check that says—“Hey, get the hell away from me before I freak out.” I think everyone has been there. I know I’ve looked at things I’ve done in past relationships and thought “Wow, I can’t believe I reacted like that…” The difference is that I’ve LEARNED from it. I vowed to never let that side of me take over again. So I’ve learned to contain it – as should you! If you want to have a normal life, and stay out of jail because you smothered your entire naked body in chocolate and peanut butter, because you know how much they LOVE a Reese’s peanut butter cup --I hope you put my advice to good use. ~K