"The big big bang, the reason I'm alive--When all the stars collide, in this universe inside..."

Lately, Ive had this insatiable need to buy everything in sight a house... yes, a house. This seems minor to some (we've all been through the nightmares of renting a 1 bedroom apartment for $800 a month with paper thin walls that you can hear your neighbors doin' it to some R. Kelly soundin' baby makin' music at 3am on a Wednesday) but what I mean is...stability. Sigh. Yes, I Kara...have decided I need to stop changing my mind every 5 seconds figure out my 5 year plan.


Now. What is it, you might ask? (You probably don't care in fact, why should you?) I would answer with 1) buying a house 2) finshing my Master's (that's more of a 2 yr plan) and 3) Figuring out if Im good at sexual relationships, or doomed to be a crazy cat woman. With this in mind, I cant help but wonder...at what age do we figure out what we want?...In lieu of this "Carrie Bradshaw" type of revelation...Ive decided Im going to babble on until I figure out the answer because I wrote this while I was bored in class.

In light of some things Ive figured out from past boyfriends, Ive decided I can be good at relationships when I WANT to be. Ive decided even though I've had some super disastrous relationships that almost ended in restraining orders -- Ive had some really REALLY good ones that make me regret ever letting those people go. The best ones? The ones where it felt impulsive...I was attracted to this person on a whim. We met. We talked. I felt INSTANTLY connected to this person. I don't mean the people you waste time going "eh, maybe I will waste a few years of my life trying to find someone better I can be talked into this..." but the people you just cant stay away from. Regardless of what odd information they give you, or crazy it seems to think this...you JUST want to be with them. End of story. No real explanation as to why. You want to be with them bad enough even if they were batshit crazy you were kind of talking to/dating someone else, you'd be done in a millisecond to be with this person. Ive had moments like this. They were fantastic. They are the exboyfriends I still joke around and love talking to, even to this day.


Similarly...I decided one week I was going to enroll in grad school as long as I didnt have to pay for it - I sent in an application, met with the advisor a week later and, and 3 days later was enrolled in my first class that started 2 weeks after that. It all happened so fast and wow do I sometimes wonder how I even stay motivated . It was impulsive and I loved every moment of it. I now attend class and an working toward getting my Masters but wishing I could just buy one.


Again, a similar situation... someone approached me wanting a dance partner that occasionally wanted to touch middles, I had to decline on the second part. I went with them to a dance class. I fell in love with it. I haven't been doing it too much lately, but I learned I have real passion for it, and it all just kind of came upon me randomly.

My car? I had a wreck that involved me turning my car into tilt-o-whirl like you used to ride as a child at the city fair. I looked up vehicles online for about 30 minutes and decided I wanted a Terrain. Its my favorite car to date because I"m a terrible driver and who doesn't love a back-up camera?. I test drove cars for weeks before I bought my last 2, and this one was an impulsive decision my parents had it being held at a local delarship because I threatened them before I'd even test drove it on my word that I wanted it. Crazy, right?

I think my point is that impulsivity rules my life. To a fault. To the point where if I begin to overthink a situation, I find myself becoming bored with it...not into it at all. The gut feeling I have is usually the one I should go with. So I've answered my own question. What's my 5 year plan? To trust myself and learn to trust others. Realize life is entirely too short to waste it being like Ben Stiller's character in Along Came Polly who analyzes the risk of EVERY big decision he makes, before ultimately figuring out impulsivity can be GOOD. It can be what makes life worth living. I want a life worth living...I want...A HOUSE!~K