"Your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist, animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing about living on the bayou."

After the holidays, I am always in kind of a “funk.” It’s hard to explain, but mostly it’s me driving home from work and missing all the Christmas lights, the XM station dedicated to Christmas songs that I could totally listen to 24/7, and the overall “Christmas-y atmosphere.” This does NOT, however, include all this crazy snow. Sure, I drive an SUV, but if I get in a wreck because we all know what a great driver I am, I’m pretty sure an SUV being flipped over and tossed down the side of a highway into a ditch would make me pee myself is just as scary as it happening in a car….JUST A THOUGHT…


My life seems CRAZY all the time right now. Apparently, I’ve decided things you don't seem to get being up at 5:30am is something all the cool people are doing, because for the last 2 weeks I’ve been waking up at 5:30am, having a bowl of cereal, and watching the traffic report like it’s my religion. I really am this scared of bad weather – kinda insane, right? Wrong. I will tell you what’s INSANE…what’s insane is all the people in this city who still drive 100mph, swerving in and out of lanes every day of my freakin commute to work when it’s bad outside. That kinda scares me. People are like “oh, if you drive slower, you’ll be fine…” Yes, but what if everyone else is driving fast? Doesn’t that violate the very laws of physics that you can’t go faster than the person in front of you? Everyone else seems to fail to realize this as they swerve past me, almost causing ME to wreck on the icy patches of highway where there’s nowhere to go but into the cement walls or oncoming traffic. Apparently, Kansas City has decided the best way to avoid getting in accidents is trying to get to your destination as fast as you possibly can.

Aside from my life being ruled by shopping traffic – I’ve been domesticating myself…and actually, quite by accident because my parents wont hire me a maid--RUDE. Upon realizing how often I am eating out (not always in the dirty way, creepos…) or making the same things for dinner every night—I’ve tried my hand at cooking more often. Example: Last night I made chicken breasted marinated in poppy seed dressing lightly seasoned with a garlic rub, along side a pasta dish consisting of peppercorn infused noodles with an olive oil sauce, garlic and rosemary seasoning, topped with fresh goat cheese. Delish. Not that I’ve come close to Natalie’s culinary masterpieces, but I’m doing pretty good considering I only cook for one person and I wouldn't admit if my cooking sucked…which leads me to…


Isn’t it RIDIUCLOUS to be single? If paying rent (or a mortgage – whichever category you fall into) isn’t hard enough, try adding on all your bills (which aren’t cheaper b/c only one person watches the cable and not seven) and the cost of eating alone and boozin' all the time to feel better about it. It’s not like any food that is GOOD for you comes in individual servings—it’s seriously hard to buy fruit knowing you’re either throwing half of it away or eating a SHIT ton of grapes for the next week. Seriously? I love grapes as most as the next person, but really only so many servings of those things I want per day…same with bananas…I’ve mastered the art of eating bananas, making banana shakes, and cutting up banana slices to eat in oatmeal…all these things we go through to make being single cost efficient. You know what would make being single cost efficient? Having a sugar daddy. Yeah, I can’t really think of anything to add here. Not that I’m advocating everyone be in a relationship ever so you don’t have to think of 1,000 ways to use bananas, but maybe it’d save us from throwing food away or buying weird looking chunks of pineapple in those single serving fruit containers that they make the price 3x what buying an ACTUAL pineapple costs, making buying fruit completely ridiculous…


Let’s just keep single people fat. Say “screw it, you want apples? You better make some freakin’ pie, have plenty of peanut butter, and make crazy salads, because otherwise those apples are going to WASTE.” Also – making food WITH the food we are trying not to throw away is a perpetual cycle of being wasteful all over again. How many times do you think I can have cranberry/walnut/apple/goat cheese salad before I don’t want freaking salad anymore? ‘Tis the life of the single person. I need to enlist in an eating buddy...somebody that comes over and lets me eat food off of them merely for sexual and culinary enjoyment (this is not exactly nothing like a friend with privileges for those who are thinking it’s a good tie-in…) but if a bottle of wine is opened and cuddling on the couch while watching movies happens…well – it won’t. hahaha Not unless you are a person I would do that with regardless and I probably won't let any of you in on that one...


REVELATION. I need to date someone who likes watching movies, drinking wine, and my cooking…..sounds easy, right? Here’s the catch; this person also has to put up with my RIDIUCLOUSLY bitchy anal retentive way of making sure you don’t touch ANYTHING and the remotes/placemats/anything you accidentally touch ends up back where it was when you found it. That’s probably my crazy, right there… I have more than just space issues. For instance, if you don’t mind having one little teeny, tiny space to keep your stuff in? Well, we should get MARRIED, because we’d be perfect for each other. I love decorating and I need more than one closest for the hoards of clothes I  can't quit buying own…other than that overwhelming list that, I’m not even close to a catch…right? Hahaha Oh golly….


I’m just going to have an arranged marriage, I think. I’m going to ARRANGE to marry someone I think is HOT and kinf of a nerd and can put up with my stubbornness and insatiable need to be RIGHT…all the time. Haha I think this gets more complicated as I write…I have so much a little more crazy than I thought. Well, as my friends and I discussed the other night; “Being happy with someone is finding someone that can put up with your crazy, as well as being able to handle the insane shit they do too.” We’ll see if this is ever a reality. Here’s hoping! ~K